Cheese and Gravy, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
Lots and lots of shit to complain about this week
I Am Not Mapquest: I’ve always got an opinion and it’s also safe to say that people trust that opinion. I am honored my friends and cohorts trust me so. However, somewhere along the line people have begun mistaking me for Mapquest and Zagat’s. I say this because every motherfucker under the sun has decided that I am the person you call or text when you can’t find something or know where to eat. In the last month, I’ve received no fewer than 3-5 texts and or calls that were specifically related to directions going to, from or in and around the city of SF a week. I’ve also recieved 5 calls/texts related soley to food or entertainment in the last 2 weeks alone. While I’m down to help my friends there is a point where I must draw a line in the sand. I’m drawing it now. If you don’t know how to get here don’t fucking come or better yet get on a fucking computer and stop at a gas station and get a fucking map. If you are hungry eat at McDonald’s they are everywhere. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I won’t offer suggestions just don’t call me in a spazzoid manner like “Uh, I’m in the city…where do I eat?” Cause guess what I’m gonna send you to the most rank place I know and tell you it’s bomb just to teach you a lesson. I’m too busy to deal with that sort of bullshit these days. Shit. I can barely update this site. So suck it and do for self.
KFC Bowls: Mashed potatoes, fried chicken, cheese AND gravy? You know shit is not cool when even gravy loving fat kids are like “Dude, cheese AND gravy? I dunno man, that sounds mainey” Every time I see this shit on TV, I think of the Patton Oswalt bit where he talks about Black Angus dinner specials. Personally, I think the bowls are KFC’s way of getting back at American’s for the whole “Low Carb” Atkins craze that fucked up their fiscal years of 2004 and 2005. Mutherfuckers not eating biscuts and demanding shit like wraps instead of a regular ol’ bun on that deep fried breaded chicken breast much have cost them mad loot. The bowl is their way of saying “That’s right you fat fuckers, you know you love fucking starches and carbs…come get them all in one big ass colon blocking bowl. It’s got gravy….and cheeeeeeeeese” This entire shit is literally all starches. I tried to download the nutritional info from the website but it kept stalling and freezing. Coincidence? I think not. That bowl is even giving the interweb pipes some blockage.
Weird Porn: Also before I get started these links are to pics that are NSFW, obviously. I personally don’t give a fuck if Sally from accounting catches you fucking off reading this site with dirty words and pics, but I don’t want your company to block HT, so I say that because I care about me. Not you. Back to my point……Yes girls look at porn. It’s true. Not all of us do but some of us indeed look at porn. Granted most of it is pretty dumb and pointless. Every once in a while there a gem comes along that really does it for me, but most times it’s like “eh that will do” More often than not I spend hella time wading through loads and loads (no pun intended) of really grotesque or unattractive men/women to reach that one gem. Admittedly, part of the fun in looking at porn is when you stumble across shit like this which is pretty funny but not hot, at all. What is this woman doing? Are there people out there that are like “DAMN! Finally a woman in her early 60s dressed up like a unicorn! Fuck I’m going to beat off so hard now!” Or you find something like this which made me laugh out loud and scream “ewwww take that off!” Followed shortly after by a double take and me thinking to myself “I probably dated this dude sometime between the years of ‘93 - ‘96” (those were my hippy years - gasp i know but it’s true) I don’t know who told him leaving that hat on was okay but they should be fired. While there is nothing wrong with being pink and potbellied, I just don’t feel it’s appropriate for mainstream porn.
Here’s my explanation of how this happened as I see it told by the participant -
SteveDave*: “Bros you will NEVER believe what happened to me on that last Phish tour. So I was in the lot right, just sippin on some Sammy Smith’s Oatmeal Stouts we were slangin’ ….we made bank on those, bro. Anyway dude, like I was saying…I was just sippin on my 22 checkin’ out the scene, I decided to stroll down towards Shakedown Street to see what I could trade for beers for ya know. So all of this sudden this hot chick is like “Hey your totally cute, wanna come to my van for a minute and smoke a bowl?” So I was like “Yeah I’m always down to roast with other kind family” We roll right to her van or whatever and on the way she’s like super forward talking about fucking and shit. She asks me if I have a big dick and like if I’ve ever had sex on camera and shit. I was trippin’ right. Then she just tells me straight out that Phishman is totally starting a porn business and that he wants to use Phisheads, like real ones in all the flicks. So she gives me backstage passes and says I can use them but only if I try out — do a test scene. So guess what bros…I TOTALLY FUCKED HER, on camera and everything. I’m not sure if I’m gonna be in a porn or not but how awesome right? Bro. Epic”
PLAYER(s) OF THE WEEK:
Mr. Sombrero formerly known as Mr. Neon Hat Guy:
I love this dude. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and he’s changed his get up since the last time I saw him. I think this is his summer fit. Like any fashion innovator he’s taken the hot new fashion trends and worked them into his own personal wardrobe. Kanye could learn a lot about accessorizing from this dude. The sombrero is a stellar touch to the entire ensemble. The surgeon’s mask under the bandana is classic. It’s a throwback to that whole SARS Gucci mask trend of ‘02 -’03. His old look consisted of homemade shirts with ironic statements and a hat that said “I’ve Got A Question For You” scrawled in neon letters. The shirts too had neon letters and had actual questions scrawled on the back of them like “Are they watching us and how much will it cost to make them stop watching?” I’m feeling the new look.
Father Rick: Player of the Week honors go to Father Rick from the First National Church just over the freeway across from Dave’s Sports Bar. Father Rick sent me these moving photos of his recent missionary work outside the Circle K on the west side of Tucson. I don’t know if you realize the gravity of the situation that is going on over there. It’s truly sad. You see there are several homeless drunks that are forced to live beer-less in the god forsaken heat. Father Rick and Pastor Eric are caring individuals who cannot stand to see such atrocities go unresolved. The good Father took matters into his own hands, purchasing several “cold ones” to distribute to displaced helpless victims such as this gentleman here. Look at his face and how happy this simple act of kindness made him. Father Rick and the congregation at the First National Church are spearheading a movement to help these individuals. You can help yourself be closer to God by embarking on missions like this in your own town. Simply purchase some “cold ones” and distribute them directly to drunks in need. You may just make a friend for life. For more information about the church and the congregation please click Here.
Oh and it’s 6.6.6 today. Read some hella brillant evil shit from Dave White. He calls bullshit on Satan.
June 6th, 2006 at 6:25 am
ahhhhh…..hater tuesday…….I feel like i just got outta rehab and got my first fix…….I hear ya on the KFC bowls-however-here in Canada we have poutine (do you know what this is?-it’s fries with cheese and gravy) Whenever I order it I can hear the fat globules shouting in x-tasy but DAMN that shit is tasty. When I first saw the commercial for the KFC bowl I thought, “wow-they finally found a way to use the leftovers”
June 6th, 2006 at 6:39 am
While I’m certainly in no position to defend KFC, I do feel the need to point out that gravy-cheese fries (aka Disco Fries) are a staple of Northeast diner fare and happen to be delicious. Granted, some diners have really gross gravy and therefore realy foul gravy-cheese fries, but for the most part it’s a dish that hard to fuck up… it’s just gravy, cheese and french fries.
This reminds me of the time I was pulling into a supermarket parking lot and saw this lady sucking on a cup of KFC gravy as if it was a tasty cup of hot chocolate. Just drinking gravy, she was. So apparantly there are folks that feel KFC gravy is delicious and therefore gravy and cheese from KFC would be extra delicious. They just forgot to put some fries on top of those mashed potatoes.
June 6th, 2006 at 6:40 am
Damn, Chrystal just beat me to the gravy-cheese fries comment.
Canadians are weird.
June 6th, 2006 at 8:36 am
i like the fact that father rick opened the bud light for him - did he take a swig off the top, or just wanted to help him get his fix quicker? either way, it’s truly moving.
June 6th, 2006 at 11:35 am
woohoo, I finally joined up on the revolution of hate, dunno why I procrastinated on it for so long.
anyways, I saw the commercials for that KFC shit and all I could think was….colon cancer. I bet if Elvis was alive he would be a spokesperson for them, or have them delivered via massive quanitites to Graceland, eating KFC bowls in bed in hazy glazed eyed qualude splendor.
and yea, porn for the most part is over-rated. not too much ive seen out there that does it for me, usually im just thinking, ouch! doesnt that chafe by now?
June 6th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
belzeebub!! my homie whats crackin on this divine day in history? anyways, to continue with our efforts to show the community our contributions to society through simple acts of kindness, (including our current campaign “beers for the homeless”) our congregation will be handing out New! KFC Flavor Bowls to little fat kids between the ages of 6-9 in the back of Creighton Elementary this weekend. This is another fund raiser where we will be accepting donations for our little “party” on the eve of 6/21, the summer solstice this year. lucifer, homie if you’re reading this, i gotta get you on the guest list. remember last year how we crashed stonehenge and graffitied up the rocks? ehehehe yea anyways so whether your heading to heaven or just “south of heaven” (slayer, whats up!! you boys are invited too!!) anybody is welcome to the church. except for those of baptist denomination. our bouncers usually dont allow them into the church cause they usually dont meet dress code.
June 6th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
oh shit I’m one of those fools that texted u…cept I didn’t even know the correct name of the spot
carbs…mmm….I have a special place in my arteries for the FATBOYS
what a tease lyd…I thought you were gonna throw some porn wit flav in it
white boy with the beanie and comatose bimbette I can download of limewire anytime
Father Rick sounds like a righteous dude
June 6th, 2006 at 10:08 pm
I think you forgot, it’s not just cheese on the top of that bowl there. It’s a 3 cheese blend!
June 8th, 2006 at 9:16 am
I too have been lurking here for a minute but just recently joined. Love the Hate!! oops I mean site!!!
down here we call the Steve/Dave or Katie/Kelly’s “Chad & Amber” which fits the stereotype well I think…
Big Ups to FatherRick as well, keep on keppin on my man.
June 8th, 2006 at 3:10 pm
Chrystal - never heard of poutine — but i do know poussin…i dunno cheese and gravy sounds serious.
Spuniun - Whoa. Sippin’ Gravy. that is going to be officially added to my lexicon of new slang to develop.
remprimandy - lesbo.
mle - seriously girl. you are always there for me with the eye for details. i love that about you. i didn’t even notice that. ahahah.
leedizzle - welcome darling. also word on elvis. i think you are right on that one. and btw it doesn’t chafe if you lube correctly. just saying.
father rick - first and foremost thanks for blessing us with a comment. i’m looking forward to the new mission and the “party”
buffmatic - dont worry you weren’t the only one who texted. word to the carbs and fat boys.
adam - you ARE correct. 3 CHEESE BLEND important distinction, very important. also thanks for reminding me to hate on the KFC Bowl.
broos - welcome welcome lurky lurk. join the hate. chad and amber totally works.
June 12th, 2006 at 2:07 pm
Steve/Dave News: Steve Dave is a small character in Mallrats. It was driving me nuts where I heard that before so I found out and now I share. Sharing is caring bro.
June 13th, 2006 at 8:44 am
That is a great bit o’ slang. An individual could easily be described as sippin’ gravy: “Damn, that hoople head is sippin’ gravy!”
June 13th, 2006 at 9:04 am
patio — there you have it.
spuniun — i was thinking more along the lines of “mutherfuckers out here be trippin’ all lazy and shit just sittin’ around doing too much sippin on gravy and shit”
tadddow…translate that!
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