Lehey and Randys, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!
Camping: I think I was about 20 or 21 years old when I realized camping was fucking stupid (it was also sometime around this age that i decided being a hippy was also fucking retarded but that’s a different story.) It was a semi mind-blowing epiphany since more or less my entire life I had considered myself an “outdoorsy” person. My hippy dad loves to fish and camp. Growing up he took me on a lot of trips to remote wilderness to sit about and watch him toss a line into some lake in the middle of fucking no where. I usually had fun but I know now it was because I liked being with my dad not because I liked the outdoors. Anyhoo, I was on a two or three day camping trip in some random wilderness celebrating a friend’s birthday. Like most hippy kids on a camping trip we decided it would be smart to eat handfuls of mushrooms, take some ecstasy and then wash that all down with some booze (ok a lot of booze). I don’t know if you’ve ever taken drugs before but after about 6 hours of peaking out of your dome there comes a point where you just need to lay the fuck down, preferably somewhere soft and warm. Sometimes you also just really, really want to take a shit and a shower because you feel like your skin belongs to someone else and your insides are rebelling against you. Let’s face it, camping just does not provide those sort of comforts of home. That night the reality of camping hit me like a ton of bricks. Up until that day I had never, ever realized how shitty camping was. Fucking sticks and rocks under your tent, fucking up your warm spot. Don’t even try that “well you have to clear the area first” bullshit because you know as well as I do that no matter how much clearing you do there are still fucking sticks and rocks everywhere. No fucking toliets or worse port-a-johns, no running water or worse a mildewy faucet so covered with sludge the water needs to be filtered again. Your everything gets dirty, goddamned bugs, weird sounds at night, dark as fuck. I wasn’t feeling it at all. I spent that night in my tent tossing, turning and complaining to my boyfriend about how camping sucks and I was never going on a trip “like this again” I’ve stayed true to my word on that. To this day I get invited on camping trips by friends and just as they finish inviting me they remember my hatred for camping and the wilderness or they see the look of disgust on my face and that pretty much answers their question.
That-NY-Guy: He’s lived in SF long enough to know better yet, every sentence out of this guys mouth begins, “Well in New York…” Everyone has met this guy or knows this guy. We all need to ban together and stop engaging him in his fucking retarded sentimental NY comparisons. Give him a fucking news flash “GUESS WHAT NY AIN’T THAT TIGHT CAUSE YOU DON’T LIVE THERE NO MORE, EITHER SHUT THE FUCK UP OR MOVE BACK!” That NY Guy is almost as annoying as That-Guy-Who-Just-Got-Back-From-His-First-Trip-To-A-Third-World-Country. TGWJGBFHFTTWC cannot help but reroute all points of conversation back to his recent trip to Ghana or Laos (pronounced Lao cause the locals don’t emphasize the “s”) or wherever the fuck his grant paid or his parents for him to go. He can relate any topic back to something “life-changing” or “inspirational” or something that really made him “appreciate” the US. This dude always travels with pictures so watch out or you could end up taking a visual tour of India including 15 photos of cows walking “in the middle of the street, with the cars and everything” cause it’s fucking “so crazy”
That-90’s-guy: A friend and I were talking about rap music the other day (shocker, I know!) and we got on the topic of “that 90s guy.” The dude who hates all contemporary hip-hop and most of indie hip-hop too for that matter. He just can’t get enough of the golden era and certainly his rap knowledge culminates in the mid 90s. He just can’t let it go, he’s too busy trippin on “real shit.” He’s still holding out bitching and moaning in hopes that the sounds of the 90s will come back. Don’t get me wrong, I bitch about hip-hop all the damn time, shit I’ve threatened to go all metal more times than I can count. However, I DO not want all hip-hop to start sounding like the 90s again. I mean shit, I like Positive K too. “I Got A Man” is the fucking jam but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to Positive K exclusively. No one does. That’s why Rev Run’s latest album tapped out around 12,000 copies. Nobody gives a fuck. We are all too busy going dumb in the Bay, getting diiirty in South and getting emotional with Jeezy in the East. I encourage you all to read this article by SergDun of Beer & Rap, for more arguments on why you should stop being “That 90s Guy” and why you should never ever make a mix tape entirely comprised of jams of said era. Besides when songs like “Stay Fly” from Three6 Mafia on the radio why would you ever want to listen to anything else. That shit’s the slap…
Alcatraz Night Tour: I should have known better when I read it was a 3 hour tour and involved a boat. But no, I let the fact that I, a Bay native had never been to Alcatraz get the best of me. The boat ride was a lot shorter than I had expected. However the walk up the hill to the jail took A LOT longer than I expected thanks to the pointless stories told to us by Ranger Dan and the fucking questions from a smarty pants 9 year old from Iowa. A walk that should have taken oh, 5 minutes took 35! Then once you get inside the fucking place they just turn you loose with an mp3 player that has stories and verbal directions as to how you should take the tour. Of course being the renegade that I am, I said “Fuck your audio tour” and just walked around skipping the tracks to the parts of the tour I thought would be best. My renegade nature ended up working against me as I completed my tour an entire hour before the boat was due to depart. Me and my crew were stuck outside in the cold bored and booze-less counting down the minutes until the boat was coming back. The least thing they can do is let us back on that boat where they sell beers (no booze before the tour tho — they only open the bar after!!!) and let us drink up. But noooo, they encourage you to take “additional informative tours” such as “The Industries of Alcatraz” — borrrrrrrrrrring. Or the cool sounding yet, def needs work “Sounds of Alcatraz” We opted for the latter. It basically consisted of standing around and having some dill-hole volunteer explain to you how the doors open and close at the same time. It took dude 30 minutes to explain and then he opened and closed the doors a few times. Borrrrrrrrrrring. Can I get a shanking reinactment? Can I get a bloody stain on the ground? Can I get something a little bit interesting other than a dot matrix print out of Al Capone taped up on the second level to indicate me that’s where Capone’s cell “may have been”. Fucking weak.
Player of the Week
Sarah Silverman
The honor goes this week to Sarah Silverman for singing three part harmony with her ass and vagina for her performance on Comedy Central’s Last Laugh of ‘05. It takes fucking balls to sing three part harmony and even more balls to sing three part harmony while holding microphones up to your butt, your mouth and your vagina all at the same time. Kudos, Sarah. Kudos.
December 13th, 2005 at 4:23 pm
I am also in the Sarah Silverman appreciation club. I have plans to see her new movie Jesus is Magic, which is playing at a little theater here in town. And if you haven’t seen the Aristocrats, it’s worth it just for her cameo.
December 13th, 2005 at 4:36 pm
Sarah Silverman fucking rocks.
And how the hell did it take you that long to realize how much camping sucks? It’s like the fucking beach, with minor differences.
December 13th, 2005 at 4:48 pm
A shanking reinactment would have been KEY! Volunteer guy was a let down, if you’re that obsessed with Alcatraz that you VOLUNTEER to be tour dude, you should offer up some doper shit, like: how many men have ‘gone gay’ after their stay in ‘the slammer’, the aforementioned shanking reinactment, tales of prison bitches, tales of horrific psychosis, tales of butt-rape, and please, SELL SOME BOOZE ON THAT FUCKING ISLAND, it’s native american land, for Christ’s sake.
SS is weak, you know she stole that shit from a stripper.
December 13th, 2005 at 6:00 pm
**in a startled high pitched man voice**
“…I’m not Randy”
December 13th, 2005 at 6:18 pm
The last time I went camping, I disappointed my nature loving boyfriend because I refused to have sex in the tent. We had spent the whole day fly fishing the Pitt River (which is full of fucking boulders, so you basically have to rock climb in waist high water) and it was hot and sunny. We caught no fish worth speaking of, and I realized how much I HATE fly fishing because you throw the fuckers back. If I’m gonna spend that much time in rubber pants, I want to eat fish. So back at the campsite with warm beer, canned soup (with sandy dirt for “flavor”), filthy sweaty bodies, and rocks and sticks under our tent, I kept my legs crossed and waited for the truck ride home.
December 13th, 2005 at 6:27 pm
kennedy - i know she’s special. i need to see aristocrats haven’t yet
mujah - i sorta like the beach. but camping sucks balls.
lolly- dude shut your mouth about SS she is fucking magic just like jesus and rkelly. dont hate what you do not know or understand. but good point about the booze on the island.
el gurpo - “im not mr. lehey”
mle - river dick mo fo trying to fuck up yer couch….
December 13th, 2005 at 6:57 pm
sarah silverman frightens and excites me all at once. i’d totally do her, and it would be exhilarating and hilarious. but i have a better chance of becoming the president of the united states than i do of nailing sarah silverman.
December 14th, 2005 at 12:39 am
Dude. The first and last time I ever went camping, it was 20 years ago. I was in a tent with my then-girlfriend, stoned out of my mind (the only good part, other than the company), when it began to rain, and then the temperature plummetted below freezing.
Ever had everything you own covered in frozen mud?
I haven’t been back since.
I feel some obligation to teach my daughter to camp (like I know how haha), but perhaps just “roughing it” someplace without tv and room service where we can day-trip to a park will suffice. It has for me all these years.
So I share your pain. And need for a hot shower and a warm, soft bed.
December 14th, 2005 at 7:56 am
You GO, girl!
Totally by mistake, I fucked One Of Those NY Guys In SF … and not only was everything fuckin’ better in Noo Yawk (then get the fuck outta here, awreddy!), but afterwards I found out he’s a gay republican! No I will not return his calls…he should go find some rightwing Hitler-lover in Brooklyn.
And inspired by your site, I did my own share of hatin’ last night, ’cause a stooopid “come back to us” letter from GEICO really pissed me off. Just for you, here’s the entry:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/allanh/130787.html
Thanks for a great ongoing column! Every tuesday, I now wake up and sing out cheerfully, “GOOD MORNING! It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!”
One of these days I really should explain that reference to my husband, who’s certain I’ve gone totally insane.
— Allan
December 14th, 2005 at 10:27 am
max - if only she would stop smelling jkimmels balls long enough to let you throw game..then you could totally nail her.
dana - dont teach your daughter how to camp. she doesn’t need to learn. stop the cycle of violence. teach her about the wonders of the day spa instead. if only my mom had taught me about the glory that is the mud bath or a nice facial when i was young it could have saved me from plenty of camping.
aph/allan - you feel better now dontcha! people need to listen when i say hate. it helps us all live better lives. oh and i say let your husband keep wondering its funnier that way.
December 14th, 2005 at 10:59 am
Last time I went camping, I was kept up all night by drunk high schoolers on ritalin and woke up to a some guy we had been calling “Iceman” in the drunken haze of the previous day. Iceman walks up to our tent, unzips it and goes, “So, sleeping, huh?” This was after about a half hour of sleep and a 48-hour drunken circus ride to Washington. Iceman also asked me “What’s up with this orange?” and all I could muster was “Go home, Iceman.”
December 14th, 2005 at 2:18 pm
I had to live in the woods with no electric or plumbing all last summer…why…cuz I’m a weed ho…but that’s another story..anyway shitting in holes is bunk…stick and stones hurt my feelings and airmatresses hurt my back… without running water who wants to stick anything between my legs and vice versa…crusty crouch no fun…after my season had ended I said fuck tents and sleeping on dirt and getting woodsy…I’m down with clean clothes, hot showers, soft beds and yes day spas are the shit!!!
December 14th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
I wear my hippy on the inside now and keep the outside properly bathed and the only wood I wanna see….
December 14th, 2005 at 4:14 pm
fuck the beach. cold ass water, annoying fucking kids running around, seaweed, sand everywhere, fuck it.
December 14th, 2005 at 11:42 pm
Yeah! I saw Sarah Silverman do that bit. She was singing Amazing Grace which made it all the more impressive.
I thought Alcatraz was haunted, see, if you had seen or heard some murderer’s ghost…now that would have been cool.
December 15th, 2005 at 11:34 am
I recently became a devotee of your site and my buddy and we’re reading todays when we came upon That NY guy rant. Being that NY guy myself, my buddy started to laugh at me until we read down and saw that he is That guy that just go back from the third world. Kudos for calling it like it is!
December 15th, 2005 at 12:08 pm
me: are you sure you didn’t mean “Go homo Iceman”
crackhead: i sorta like the beach. but i used to think i hated it cause my dad hated it and never fucking took me there ever. then i went and laid in the sun all day drinking beer and realized how fucking dope it is. also my mexican skin turns hella juicy browna and that’s pretty tight.
wendy: see i couldn’t even concentrate on the song cause i was too busy saying to myself “her vagina is singing” fucking not haunted alcatraz…not scary at all.
alex: now that we have acknowledged the problem let’s solve it. stop waxing poetic about nyc. instead of saying “in ny….” say “you know what i love about sf..” and tell your buddy that no one wants to see his pictures anymore unless he is willing to show the ones he took in the bath house with the Thai hookers.
December 16th, 2005 at 12:18 pm
In New York it sucks that we have to read Hater Tuesday 3 hours later than the awesome people of San Francisco. I could really use the distraction at work but I can’t ever wait until Wednesday.
December 16th, 2005 at 3:05 pm
You are only pissed about camping because you hate dropping your bloody fecal matter in a makeshift hole in the woods. My Advice - Hang on to a limb and pump out a chunk. Constipation should not prevent you from making love to the wilderness. Real women don’t wipe in the woods and I like it that way. To get that real woodsy feel, I like to imbibe my woman with girardia laden canteen beverages. A few hours later, the dehydration has made her loopy and her diarrhea lubed poop-chute is ready for an impaling from COCKZILLA!!!
December 16th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
agro - hey man i don’t control the time difference that shit confuses me like mad.
cockzilla - funny you should comment on this camping thing. you were there the night i realized camping sucked. rabbitfest on that damn moonrock got me. fucking camping. remember how i wouldn’t poo and then dunbar’s girl ronnie (??) made some fucking buckwheat pancackes or some shit that totally did me in. fucking buckwheat.
December 16th, 2005 at 5:34 pm
additionally…fucking hippies.
December 19th, 2005 at 9:11 am
Lawdy! I haven’t been camping since ‘Nam-and with good reason-the last time I got so messed up and some dude I didn’t know used my tits as pillows and we ended up screwing-not a real problem but there was like 7 people in a 4 person tent so there wasn’t alot of room and the fucking rocks and twigs I could feel through the sleeping bag & foamy & tent pad & tent floor really sucked the big purple head…….Now got 2 kids and camping’s just too much damn work.
December 19th, 2005 at 12:06 pm
if you would have strapped on Bhudda’s diaper, maybe you could have built a tiny log cabin in there and had a more plesant experience. granted, you would be writhing in your own feces while wearing a dog’s chastity belt, but WTF, it’s camping.
December 19th, 2005 at 12:36 pm
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December 19th, 2005 at 1:26 pm
chrystal - aye man, it happens to the best of us. the accidentally screwing someone thing i mean. britney wrote a song about the phenomenon but she had to change it up to appeal to a younger audience…”Oops, I did it again” originally went like this “oops, I did it again…I slipped on your dick…i think i made a mistake…”
cockzilla - you are dirty like the undercarraige of one BWH III.
hizzy - i AM a genius. i’m saving myself for Dave Grohl. are you Dave Grohl?
December 20th, 2005 at 4:43 am
guess how many people i made hate me this week.
three.
i’m getting good at it.
December 20th, 2005 at 6:28 pm
merks - the goal is to propagate open hating. to make people feel comfortable with hating in general…not to make people hate you. people love me and i hate everything. but hey who am i to knock your skills in getting people to hate you. everyone has to be good at something. i don’t hate you, tho. so you can’t be THAT good at it yet.
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