Hater Tuesday

This is the last Hater Tuesday of 2005 folks (there is technically one more Tuesday but I go strictly by the Hater Calendar which requires one Tuesday off at the end of the year for boozing.) It’s been a good year. Lots of hating has gone down and I can’t fucking wait until 2006 to open a fresh page in my hater notebook for you bitches. Now enough bullshitty self praise and on with the show.

PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

I’ve decided to do a full post of player of the week. I found too much mainey shit this week so we got multiple players to congratu-hate.

Oops I Gave You The Clap e-card:

This is for real. Honestly, not even Vice could make this shit up. All I’m saying is, if someone gives me the clap, I would hope that they would at least have the decency to call me up and tell me themselves. However, now that we got so many mother fuckers online dating/whoring and shit, I suppose an e-clap card was only a matter of time in the making. What’s next “Yo, I’m knocked up. Send Abortion money” e-card?

Korean Girl:

click here for close up
This is some next level 2008 shit right here. This dude has no fucking time for Missed Connections or online personal ads or fucking saving phone numbers. He’s over all that punk shit and taking it to the mutherfucking streets with a sincere, hand written, hand duplicated and applied street team campaign. I mean really though how could you possibly resist a plea for love like this. I seen about 15 of these all over my hood. I had to take one down the other night just so I could scan it and post it here. Peep this shit. This is REAL game. Fuck remembering a girl’s name when you have a description like “Korean Girl”. Oh and fuck leaving a phone number. If he spent time making posters she can at least break bread on a carrier pigeon or some sky writing right? Live the dream, Mike. Live the dream.

Young Jeezy Breezies:

These two lil breezies just changed my entire outlook on Young Jeezy. Jeezy is now my shit. Also, I want to go back in time so I can be 13 and make friends with these girls. Lil girl on the left has a mean hard face, she shows great potential. On the real though, in 4 years or less these two chicks are gonna be ass up on a couch at a house party in Pinole playing donkey with every fool in there. I just know it. That much Jeezy at a young age will do it to you. I sorta want to send them a couple of 40s as an appreciation present. Gyeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Young Jeezy: Since I just gave it up for Jeezy, I feel like I can now say that the Snowman wins best lyricist of the year. “patty cake, patty cake, microwave.” really took it there, followed closely by “I’m emotional, I love my block. I’m emotional, I love my glock” He’s got the quotables for sure. Feel free to post your favorite Young Jeezy-ism in the comments.

Home Video Posts/Sites: My homie Thuggy Fresh aka Rez were talking yesterday about how there are going to be more and more video blogs hosting shit like you see above. You Tube and Google Video have loads of videos you can search with key words. After Christmas you know there will only be more. Every kid who got a video camera, digital camera or camera phone with video capabilities is gonna be posting even more silly shit. That doesn’t even cover the people who shouldn’t have camera’s to begin with. Thugs and cameras don’t mix. Not even wanna be thugs and cameras mix. We spent some time perusing and found some fucking keepers. It’s amazing what people willingly post on the internet these days. Anyhoo here are some links to ones that tickled me and deemed worthy of mention.

Kids A-Giggin’ These little players are going dumb in the living room until the older brother comes in and pulls a Chuck Norris on they ass and then goes dumb his damn self. Play on player.

Don’t Climb Fences When You Are Drunk:

This one is pretty amazing. I don’t know where this happened but homegirl is looooooooooooooaded and evidently trying to climb a fence. Only God knows where her other stocking and her shoes are.

Baby G & Huffy Huff: Limo Status
Limo status mayne, what it do mayne? Daffy Duck my niggahs, that’s what it is. Cartoon characters, you know what I’m saying? Who else can say they got a tattoo and pants to match? Kill scratch when I see scratch. Yaddidadmean?

Baby G & Huffy Huff: Limo Status Part 2
I thought the first one was on some shit then I heard Baby G come with the term “relaxeded couch” If you don’t think I’m not going to start using that then you must be out of your fucking mind. These two videos exemplify everything that I love and hate about the Bay. It’s fucking beautiful. Sexy ugly. You feel me? I mean Yaddidadmean? Off the yelzelbub. On the real.

So yeah. That’s it. See you fucktards next year. You know you’ll be back. Shiiit.

Camping: I think I was about 20 or 21 years old when I realized camping was fucking stupid (it was also sometime around this age that i decided being a hippy was also fucking retarded but that’s a different story.) It was a semi mind-blowing epiphany since more or less my entire life I had considered myself an “outdoorsy” person. My hippy dad loves to fish and camp. Growing up he took me on a lot of trips to remote wilderness to sit about and watch him toss a line into some lake in the middle of fucking no where. I usually had fun but I know now it was because I liked being with my dad not because I liked the outdoors. Anyhoo, I was on a two or three day camping trip in some random wilderness celebrating a friend’s birthday. Like most hippy kids on a camping trip we decided it would be smart to eat handfuls of mushrooms, take some ecstasy and then wash that all down with some booze (ok a lot of booze). I don’t know if you’ve ever taken drugs before but after about 6 hours of peaking out of your dome there comes a point where you just need to lay the fuck down, preferably somewhere soft and warm. Sometimes you also just really, really want to take a shit and a shower because you feel like your skin belongs to someone else and your insides are rebelling against you. Let’s face it, camping just does not provide those sort of comforts of home. That night the reality of camping hit me like a ton of bricks. Up until that day I had never, ever realized how shitty camping was. Fucking sticks and rocks under your tent, fucking up your warm spot. Don’t even try that “well you have to clear the area first” bullshit because you know as well as I do that no matter how much clearing you do there are still fucking sticks and rocks everywhere. No fucking toliets or worse port-a-johns, no running water or worse a mildewy faucet so covered with sludge the water needs to be filtered again. Your everything gets dirty, goddamned bugs, weird sounds at night, dark as fuck. I wasn’t feeling it at all. I spent that night in my tent tossing, turning and complaining to my boyfriend about how camping sucks and I was never going on a trip “like this again” I’ve stayed true to my word on that. To this day I get invited on camping trips by friends and just as they finish inviting me they remember my hatred for camping and the wilderness or they see the look of disgust on my face and that pretty much answers their question.

That-NY-Guy: He’s lived in SF long enough to know better yet, every sentence out of this guys mouth begins, “Well in New York…” Everyone has met this guy or knows this guy. We all need to ban together and stop engaging him in his fucking retarded sentimental NY comparisons. Give him a fucking news flash “GUESS WHAT NY AIN’T THAT TIGHT CAUSE YOU DON’T LIVE THERE NO MORE, EITHER SHUT THE FUCK UP OR MOVE BACK!” That NY Guy is almost as annoying as That-Guy-Who-Just-Got-Back-From-His-First-Trip-To-A-Third-World-Country. TGWJGBFHFTTWC cannot help but reroute all points of conversation back to his recent trip to Ghana or Laos (pronounced Lao cause the locals don’t emphasize the “s”) or wherever the fuck his grant paid or his parents for him to go. He can relate any topic back to something “life-changing” or “inspirational” or something that really made him “appreciate” the US. This dude always travels with pictures so watch out or you could end up taking a visual tour of India including 15 photos of cows walking “in the middle of the street, with the cars and everything” cause it’s fucking “so crazy”

That-90’s-guy: A friend and I were talking about rap music the other day (shocker, I know!) and we got on the topic of “that 90s guy.” The dude who hates all contemporary hip-hop and most of indie hip-hop too for that matter. He just can’t get enough of the golden era and certainly his rap knowledge culminates in the mid 90s. He just can’t let it go, he’s too busy trippin on “real shit.” He’s still holding out bitching and moaning in hopes that the sounds of the 90s will come back. Don’t get me wrong, I bitch about hip-hop all the damn time, shit I’ve threatened to go all metal more times than I can count. However, I DO not want all hip-hop to start sounding like the 90s again. I mean shit, I like Positive K too. “I Got A Man” is the fucking jam but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to Positive K exclusively. No one does. That’s why Rev Run’s latest album tapped out around 12,000 copies. Nobody gives a fuck. We are all too busy going dumb in the Bay, getting diiirty in South and getting emotional with Jeezy in the East. I encourage you all to read this article by SergDun of Beer & Rap, for more arguments on why you should stop being “That 90s Guy” and why you should never ever make a mix tape entirely comprised of jams of said era. Besides when songs like “Stay Fly” from Three6 Mafia on the radio why would you ever want to listen to anything else. That shit’s the slap…

Alcatraz Night Tour: I should have known better when I read it was a 3 hour tour and involved a boat. But no, I let the fact that I, a Bay native had never been to Alcatraz get the best of me. The boat ride was a lot shorter than I had expected. However the walk up the hill to the jail took A LOT longer than I expected thanks to the pointless stories told to us by Ranger Dan and the fucking questions from a smarty pants 9 year old from Iowa. A walk that should have taken oh, 5 minutes took 35! Then once you get inside the fucking place they just turn you loose with an mp3 player that has stories and verbal directions as to how you should take the tour. Of course being the renegade that I am, I said “Fuck your audio tour” and just walked around skipping the tracks to the parts of the tour I thought would be best. My renegade nature ended up working against me as I completed my tour an entire hour before the boat was due to depart. Me and my crew were stuck outside in the cold bored and booze-less counting down the minutes until the boat was coming back. The least thing they can do is let us back on that boat where they sell beers (no booze before the tour tho — they only open the bar after!!!) and let us drink up. But noooo, they encourage you to take “additional informative tours” such as “The Industries of Alcatraz” — borrrrrrrrrrring. Or the cool sounding yet, def needs work “Sounds of Alcatraz” We opted for the latter. It basically consisted of standing around and having some dill-hole volunteer explain to you how the doors open and close at the same time. It took dude 30 minutes to explain and then he opened and closed the doors a few times. Borrrrrrrrrrring. Can I get a shanking reinactment? Can I get a bloody stain on the ground? Can I get something a little bit interesting other than a dot matrix print out of Al Capone taped up on the second level to indicate me that’s where Capone’s cell “may have been”. Fucking weak.

Player of the Week

Sarah Silverman

The honor goes this week to Sarah Silverman for singing three part harmony with her ass and vagina for her performance on Comedy Central’s Last Laugh of ‘05. It takes fucking balls to sing three part harmony and even more balls to sing three part harmony while holding microphones up to your butt, your mouth and your vagina all at the same time. Kudos, Sarah. Kudos.

Basically I don’t fucking like Christmas. I think it’s bullshit and unnecessary. I like having work off and I like getting drunk in the day time because of that fact but that’s about it. I don’t even give a shit about presents. I mean don’t get me wrong I like getting shit but that just means I have to buy gifts too. Fuuuuuuck that. I’ll buy you a present when I want to buy you a present not because you got me one and if I don’t I’m a dick. I don’t play like that. Here are some other things about Christmas that piss me off.

Christmas Music: There is nothing on this earth I hate more than Christmas music (not even tomatoes!!)
I cannot and do not stand for any playing of Christmas music anywhere in my vicinity. When I go Christmas shopping, I wear my iPod to keep the evil jingling bells out of my precious ears ( it also helps with keeping screaming ass kids, annoying sales teens and whiny stroller bitches out of my ears, but that’s another rant all together) The problem with Christmas music is all the fucking “spirit” and “cheer” and “good tidings” and other romantic imagery like snowy nights, stockings full of fucking candy and whatever the fuck, gingerbread men, the fat man on the sled and all the magical plum fairies. I don’t believe in any of that shit. It’s not even real. There is no fucking Santa. I know that shit, so why do I have to pretend that there is? Why must I get “in the spirit of the season?” And don’t you even think about saying “what about the kids?” Fuck the kids. I don’t have any. It’s not my problem. Christmas music insults my intelligence, I fucking know it’s Christmas time and I don’t need to hear a song about it to remind me. I don’t even like the anti-Christmas music. You know the “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” bullshit. Fuck all that crap too. Trust me when I say I have heard every Christmas song every recorded. I’m not even joking. My dad is a fucking record nerd. He went through a phase where he specialized in Christmas music. At one point in my childhood my dad had something like 7 complete days worth of non-stop Christmas music that he had recorded from vinyl onto 1/4 reel to reel tape (cause he was all analog like that). That shit would start in the morning and not stop until he got drunk or too stoned in the afternoon and decided it was time for a little Hank Williams. It was worse than living in a mall. Lucky for my brother, he was a little too young to really experience the full effect, but I’m sure when he reads this he will laugh and comment in agreement.

Christmas Shopping: Shopping during the holidays is damn painful. You have to navigate the mall, through the throngs of stroller bitches and old people just to vie for attention from a less than helpful teen in charge at whatever fucking store you end up in. If it’s not a pimply-faced, voice-crackly teen, it’s a bitter middle aged person who is pissed that they had to take this shitty seasonal job at “Things Remembered” or “Candles Forever” just so they can buy their ungrateful brats that new XBox 360 they keep bitching about. The whole experience leaves me empty and angry. Buying shit to prove to loved ones how much we care is the most retarded concept ever. How about ditching all that time in the mall and just calling your peoples and spending some QT? How about that? Why should I have to send a basket full of Bath & Body Works lotions to my aunties who I never, ever talk to just because it’s fucking Christmas? Again fuuuuuuck that.

Christmas Tree: Who started this lame tradition? Why do I need a massive dead tree in my house covered with sparkly shit? It just sits there and does nothing. Each year my brother and I battle my mom on the legitimacy of a Christmas tree. He and I are like “whatever that tree” and she is all “but it’s Chrissssmaaaaaaas” It’s pretty simple to us why it’s retarded but here are just a sampling of the lame points she brings up about the legitimacy of the ol’ X-mas tree and how we sass her about them.

Mom: “But it makes the house smell so nice!”
US: Sure it may make the house smell a little piney, but hey so do those little tree air fresheners you can get for the whip. We could cop one of those.

Mom: “Where do you put the presents then?”
US: “Oh you mean the cash and the 10 pack of socks? Put that shit right here in my lap”

Mom: “But it just doesn’t feel like Christmas with out it!”
US: “No shit. That’s the point. Fuck that tree”

Mom: “What about just a small one?”
US: “Whatever if you want to show your midget pride go for it, you know the cats are just gonna fuck that shit up anyway”

Mom: “You know if we don’t have a tree, how is Santa gonna know to stop here”
US: “You set up like 4 nativity scenes every year and to our knowledge Jesus has never stopped here so yeah, whatever with Santa.”

It’s usually something along the lines of our last bitchy comments that really gets her goat and forces her to use her “angry voice” and throw us the look of death while she snaps “You guys are sooo bad! Why are you so nasty” We usually feel bad for about 30 seconds and then we laugh and impersonate her behind her back. It’s what we do.

PLAYER(S) OF THE WEEK:

Salvation Army Bell Ringers

I have to give it up to these fools. This has got to be the shittiest way to donate your time (or do community service) fucking ever. You stand on a corner or in front of a Safeway for fucking hours on end ringing a damn bell to remind people to put their change in the big red bucket. It’s got to be the most humiliating 4 hours of one’s life ever. There is no way to look cool while ringing that bell and rocking that apron. If there is by all means I want to see it. Who knows maybe there is some rugged cat out in the ‘Field who is rocklng an air-brushed tee and bell that looks like an upside down pimp cup. That would be dope.