Drunksticks and Breasts, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
Ladies and Gentleman It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
Pre-Thanksgiving Snacks: Every year I say this sentence to my mom, “All we need is a box of crackers, some cheese and some fruit, maybe some salami - nothing more, nothing less” Every year I show up and the fucking coffee table is overflowing with shit I did not ask for. Like 4 kinds of fucking cheese, assorted deli meats, fucking chips and dip, goddamned tamales, homemade chile, guacamole, dried and fresh fruit, veggies, lil smokies in bbq sauce and just about anything else snack wise you could possibly want to put in your mouth. My mom’s snack spread puts most Vegas buffets to shame. Some of you may be thinking “What the fuck is her problem, I like snacks…why doesn’t she like snacks” To answer your question - I’m cool with snacks. Too fucking cool. That’s the problem. I will eat the snacks and then when it comes time for dinner I am too full to eat the good shit. This year was no different. Look at this shit - this is only half of it.
My mom is a fucking maniac - every time a bowl would empty something new would arrive in it’s place. My living room would emit a collective sigh that sounded something like “Ughhhhhhhh…oooohhhhh, damn…..ughhhhh, mmmmmm - wait, when’s dinner?” By the time I had dinner on the table (It was 9pm - I had to wait as long as humanly possible so we could all make room) I was so fucking tired of eating. We had the most anti-climactic dinner ever. We all sat down, pushed food around on our plates and said things like “PASS THE WINE PLEASE” while my mom did her famous Mexican Mom Food Pusher routine on all of us. Shit like, “Did you try the potatoes?….How about the asparagas? The roast is delicious, did you try it? Have some more - we have plenty” No shit mom. We have plenty. Plenty is why my house is called The House of Fat. All living things that cross the threshold of my casa instantly get fat. Just try and hang out for 10 minutes with out my mom forcing some shit on you.
Bartenders with Flair: Look pal, I saw Cocktail and I wasn’t impressed then. What makes you think I am going to be impressed now? Seriously, just pour my drink. Don’t flip my straw into my glass. Don’t toss my lime wedge behind your back and over your shoulder. Don’t even hold the booze bottle abnormally high above my drink just to show me how accurately you can pour a shot. Just pour the fucking booze in a glass, put some ice in it, put some water in there or whatever and give it to me. Quickly. And cheaply.
which leads me to….
Salty Bartender: There is nothing better than having a friend behind the bar. I’m not cheap or anything (wait, yes I am). I just don’t see the logic in paying for booze when I can just charm the pants off the person serving it to me thus forcing them to give it to me for free or at a reduced rate. I mean, I drink. A lot. So do my pals. We are lazy and uninspired, so when we find somewhere with the booze and bartender we like, we post the fuck up. Hell we even tip and when the free drinks start coming we tip even more. So it’s not like they are loosing any dough by giving us the hook up. In fact, if they are smart they will pocket the tips and experience a little come up. See how that works? Anyhoo back to Salty Bartender. Since I am a girl, I am not afraid of using my lady charms to gain free drank faster. All it takes is some witty banter, a slight lean over the bar and a smile. Next thing you know FREE DRANK! However sometimes you get a bartender who doesn’t know his role and gets all personally caught up. He may start in with inappropriate hand touching or the lean over the bar hug. This often leads to the asking for the phone number so you can hang out when he is “not working”. The phone calls are easy to dodge but you must be careful. You don’t want to compromise your free drank by being rude. If he starts coming out from behind the bar for a hug you know you are really fucked - at one point you are going to have to let him know you only like him for his free drank. Once he realizes that you only want his free drank he might get salty and cut off yo’ free drank siting something retarded like “New Management” or “Bottle Measuring.” That is some bullshit right there. Don’t take that for shit - if this happens you should instantly call him out and say “Look, you only chargin’ me cause I ain’t feelin’ yo’ ponytail…” or some otherwise snide remark. Drink yo’ drank, gather your rellies and bounce the fuck out. It’s time for a new bartender.
Jaime Foxx: I said it before and I will say it again. YOU ARE NOT RAY CHARLES! This fool is really on some shit right now. He keeps breaking off hooks for fools too cheap to clear the real Ray (see Kanye, Ludacris, ect…) I don’t care if you did win an Oscar. If I have to hear him croon one more time like he’s fucking Ray Charles I’m going to fucking explode. Ya’ll need to get up on Bay Charles - on the real.
PLAYERS OF THE WEEK
This week goes to a faceless drunk (thanks to my crappy phone cam) I met at a shitty dive bar that I have been going to for-ever in San Jose. This dude was so wasted he could barely stand up and smoke or form sentences outside the bar, yet was able to articulate and order the most ridiculous drink order ever. Dude ordered this, “House merlot in a bucket glass with a Sutter Home Chardonnay split in the bottle” and here’s the amazing part - HE GOT SERVED! He stumbled away from the bar with tossing back his merlot like it was ginger ale while simulataneously twisting off the cap on the Sutter Home split. It was semi-inspirational.
50 Cent: Talk about being on some shit….your boy 50 is trippin hard these days. I’m not going to even talk about his recent Bush comments. You should click on the right over there under the links and see what Big Max has to say about it. He pretty much sums it up. What I will comment on is 50’s latest endeavor to create a vibrator based on his own penis. Yes. His own penis. I bet you Vincent Gallo is so pissed that he didn’t think of that first. Gallo is the only other dude I can think of that would even consider marketing something like that (I mean outside of porn stars) So ladies stay tuned we all may be able to purchase our very own “magic stick” in the very near future. What’s next in the wide wide world of hip hop marketing? Trina pocket pussies?
Coming soon - Fuckers We Love To Hate and Your Year in Hate aka Best of Hater Tuesday. Nominate your favorite HT posts by emailing me lydia@hatertuesday.com
November 29th, 2005 at 4:23 pm
I have to say, regarding 50 Cent…honestly, it would all depend on his actual penis. I’ve personally seen some penises I wouldn’t mind having the “take home” model of (especially if it meant I never had to see the man it was attached to again) and maybe he’s got one of them!!
I don’t care with Vincent Gallo’s penis looks like - he scares me and probably his penis would give me that crazed Manson look and ruin my whole O.
ps. I have to give your mom props for the whole guac thing. Any mom who makes guac at all, let alone at Thanksgiving gets my respect. :) (But what’s up with the roast? Is that normal Thanksgiving fare??)
November 29th, 2005 at 4:44 pm
Dana -
re: 50 - check out this quote, “But I don’t know how big. I don’t know if big is better because I’m not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo. I want to do something like that, to create something that’s popular and exciting sexually for women.” yeah. really make sure you check with your man about the size and holler at 50.
we don’t believe in turkey. we are mexicans and turkey confuses us or more simply, we just don’t care about traditional thanksgiving fare - turkey is played out. its all about the roast.
November 29th, 2005 at 4:46 pm
Shit, all my mom had was nuts for snacks. Just cause my grandparents are dead doesn’t mean she gets to skimp on the appetizers. I don’t want a whole spread, just some deviled eggs and cheese and crackers. But if i complain, she’ll make me help. Fuck that, I’d rather drink beer and watch football with the nuts.
Why does 50 think we need his penis? That’s not for ladies, that’s for gay guys. Ladies just need something that gets the right spots, isn’t too loud, is easy on the batteries, and doesn’t look too ridiculous. It doesn’t matter if it’s real looking or transparent hot pink. Who gives a fuck if it looks like someone’s piece, it’s just a fucking toy.
November 29th, 2005 at 5:02 pm
that guacamole looks hella good.
If they made a Vincent Gallo penis, do you think they would include greasy pubes and ugly weenie veins?
November 29th, 2005 at 5:03 pm
mle - damn girl. only nuts. i need that kind of house. my shit is overboard. my grandparents are dead too. shit if my girl lolly and her husband and my friend farrah didnt come to help it would have been me,my bro and my dad all trying to make a dent in the spread. dinner would have never happen.
seriously that is the most mainey to the point comment on vibrators ever. props.
November 29th, 2005 at 6:07 pm
Yeah, next year we just gotta stop mom from making food. Except for smokey weinies, we NEED smokey weinies.
November 29th, 2005 at 6:51 pm
adam - i tried to stop her, remember? every year i try and stop her. she never listens. also there is a really bad joke i could make about smokey weenies but i wont.
November 30th, 2005 at 1:54 am
whatever, i came in to that house with a belly full of persian muslim goodness and STILL rocked out to the roast and mashed potatoes. is that how you spell that? i feel like dan quayle.
adam’s mac and cheese was an oral orgasm and the absolut was off the hook. but really, let’s not forget about the best part: me and lolly are eternal lovers.
on another [neglected] note, bartenders with flair need hand jobs. it’s the only thing to quell the madness.
November 30th, 2005 at 8:33 am
Adam’s Mac and Cheese was tender creamy goodness in a casserole pan. Props. Goddam Rosemary!!! I blew my load on dried fruit, salmon-cheese, and mini weenies. Thank god I had plenty of room and enough energy to take down 2 bottles of wine and meat my persian cosmic step-sister.
One time I was wearing a ponytail, this asshole we know pulls it out, says ‘fuck ‘yo ponytail!” and shot the rubber band at me, while I was driving! He did this because I was being a salty ride home, he also called me a mean old lady. I will not name names.
November 30th, 2005 at 10:29 am
farrahj- adam’s mac was fucking tasty. true dat. im glad that you and lolly are now eternal lovers i no longer need to choose one of you to join me in the afterlife - god will understand i need both of you.
me! - let’s hope the things you mentioned would not be used in the dildo rendering.
lolly - i forgot about the “fuck yo ponytail” incident. that shit was priceless.
November 30th, 2005 at 2:04 pm
FUCK YO PONYTAIL GRANDMA!
November 30th, 2005 at 2:18 pm
You are forgetting the NAMBLA portion of the Funky Bitch Family Turkey Day and I am officially outraged. I can’t believe you didn’t mention your brother’s sabotaging of the gravy with his mighty man mustard. His affinity for the beastie boys also led him to dip his balls in the mash potatoes. That being said, you can understand why the local priest was over. Or should I say bent over. With the whole family watching no less. Consistently denying the reach around while delivering a living room ass-pounding to the local deacon is truly worthy of praise. Your brother is to be commended. That was the best pre-dinner blessing I ever heard.
Kisses,
Michael J. Fox
NAMBLA Grand Wizzard
San Jose Chapter
November 30th, 2005 at 3:07 pm
damn loforti i haven’t been that rosy in the cheeks since the old “fruit basket” incident of ‘96, administered by big white honkey of course. as you might remember, that incident started a foul, foul war of wrong — and i don’t think we need to be reminded of how that one ended. let’s just say you better start checking the top shelf of your closet on a daily basis. i have minions in every area code.
November 30th, 2005 at 4:29 pm
I would get the vicent gallo vibrator fo sho!!!
November 30th, 2005 at 4:33 pm
Oh the many times Honky has visited the conrecopia of my fruit-basket. My favorite method of delivery is the dimly lit room, pre 4:20. It’s these tender moments where I can whip out the nut-bag and entice viewing by conjering up a sentance no stoner can resist. “Hey Honky, check out these nugs I scored.” Like Billy Dee exclaimed in the old Colt 45 commercial, “It works everytime.”
Side Note to other readers - Don’t ever invite me or my friends to your wedding. Ever. I’ll take the disposable camera off the table and take such graphic pictures of my balls, that your dreams will forever be altered. To top it off, I’ll mix in pictures of your grandmother kissing your new wife. And I don’t wipe it off when I’m done.
November 30th, 2005 at 5:24 pm
Lo’zilla - how them photos turn out? i forgot about those.
December 1st, 2005 at 2:31 am
i’m drunk. look at the time.
hey lydeebug–did you ever think of addressing the most tragic pop culture event in the history of [wo]mankind? jessica and nick are officially splitting up…i’m serious ladies and germs, i was jaded on love before, but now? good luck trying to make me say those 3 little words and mean it.
but then, you know what they say: no woman no cry.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
December 1st, 2005 at 11:20 am
farrahj - i thought about addressing nick and jess but then i didnt cause i dont really care. i mean if it were brit and kfeds i would be all up in it ….thats true love.
December 1st, 2005 at 2:10 pm
vince, you are sick, serious ill- come visit
December 1st, 2005 at 2:20 pm
Mr. Rawng has a girlfriend, an ex-stripper named Heleena that was trying to kick it with us gurpers last friday. She came over after we had faded our whut it dews and more beer than i care to remember. she was in this awful mood. Mr. Rawng had a word with her and found out why she was so upset. He made us all guess, (we thought it was cause we ate all the pizza or cause he was shit faced), but no, it was because Nick and Jessica split up. Girl was seriously upset about that and said “how sad! ” and said some other shit about love that I don’t care to remember. I never would have thought twice about that shit if it weren’t for her and her sourpuss.
December 1st, 2005 at 2:24 pm
well mle, you know strippers are sensitive people. have some compassion.
December 2nd, 2005 at 8:29 am
I fall in love with ever stripper I’ve ever met.Go head, call me T-Pain. Even that chick at the Lusty with the fresh C-Section scar. These women provide such a valued service to me that when they are upset, I am upset. Tell Devin’s girl that everyrhing is going to be ok and Jessica is going to become a stonger woman once this whole spectacle blows over. Then gently pat her on the head take a deap breaf to catch a wiff of that luxurios scent of aerosol perfume, delicately uncrumble those last two bucks from your pocket and slide it ever so gently to the edge of the counter for her. Then tell her “Its from Thuggy, he wants to hold you, but that costs exxxtra.”
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:19 am
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I’m so glad I keep reading up on this site. This shit makes my week.
But I’ve got something for you. If you think the 50 cent vibe is funny, check this out. It’s from IMDB.com:
“50 Cent, Tom Petty, Stevie Nicks and members of Aerosmith and The Eagles joined forces to create one of the year’s greatest live line-ups at the weekend, when they played a private Bat Mitzvah celebration gig. Multi-millionaire David H. Brooks paid a reported $10 million to hire the artists to perform at his daughter Elizabeth’s party at New York City venue The Rainbow Room… He reportedly paid the stars $2 million to play a 45-minute set, while 50 Cent is thought to have received $500,000….Other acts to perform at the extravagant event included Ciara, Nicole Richie’s fiance DJ AM and saxophonist Kenny G.”
December 2nd, 2005 at 2:47 pm
Dammit, I want more macaroni and cheese.
December 2nd, 2005 at 3:25 pm
adam - rumor has it that you have a lot of free time and panko bread crumbs so magic 8 ball says - make more and then bring it to me up here. stat.
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