XY and XX, It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday!
Hate this week is a little shorter than usual. I’ve had a lot of writing to do so fuck off. The good news is Funkybitch now has her own Hater Tuesday column in the awesome publication Mesh. Mesh is released here in the Bay Area every two months. It’s a sweet local mag and you should all support it. Now on with the hate.
Tyranny of the Stroller: It’s no secret that I am not a fan of the babies. I even own a button (albeit homemade) that reads “I’ll Kick Your Baby’s Ass” It sounds harsh, but it’s just how I feel. Recently, I’ve started to realize that it’s not so much the babies that I hate - it’s the parents of the babies. Parents act as if a baby is the equivalent of an all access vip pass to the universe. For example, I went to go get my brows waxed over at Benefit on Sunday. I show up, I put my name on the list and take a seat. That’s how it works. You either call for an appointment or you show up and wait. The appointment is really useless since those bitches are mad disorganized and never, ever write shit down. You are better off just showing up. Everyone knows this. There area about 4 of us wating at this point when this woman rolls in with her giant ass stroller, Louis Vuitton diaper bag and an attitude. She sighs loudly cause no one is instantly on her jock. After a few minutes one of the shop gals goes over and lets her know it’s gonna be a minute cause all of us are waiting and have been waiting for like 20 minutes. Stoller Bitch starts losing it, “But I have a baby!…I can’t wait” She then went on to bitch and bitch and bitch until she got her way. She managed to make her way in front of all of us who had been waiting because “she has a baby and can’t wait” When the woman asked if I minded having my spot bumped because you know “the baby” without hesitating I said, “Yes I do mind actually.” Stroller bitch heard me and instantly started shooting daggers at me with her eyes. Unfortunately for her she did not know who she was fucking with. I gave her my best “Oh hell no” face (if you know me, then you know this look is mean and intimidating as hell) which pretty much solved the problem. I got my brows done right then and there.
The madness does not just begin and end with brow waxing tho. The fucking strollers are everywhere. Big bulky isle hogging strollers - fucking shit up. God forbid you move the thing or say “um excuse me” cause someone like Stroller Bitch looks at you like a fucking leper, moves it a centimeter and then says “Sorry - it’s so hard with kids these days” To that I say, “REALLY? It’s that fucking hard?” How about you don’t have kids then. Or I don’t know bring less shit with you. The worst is when the kid is like 2 1/2 and can walk and bitches are still pushing strollers. Let the little fucker walk. My mom didn’t have a big ass stroller she carried me around and made my ass walk. When I got tired that was when we went home. It seems pretty simple to me. Fuck your kids and fuck your strollers.
Props to Isaac for the term “Tryanny of the Stroller” he feels my pain.
Tyra Show: Listen Tyra, I know you got that whole ANTMthing on lock down. It’s a huge success and you’ve taken it to the next level by getting some hot girl on girl model action this season - props on that. But the success of ANTM does not mean that you deserve a talk show. I saw your little show the other night and I was a little embarassed for you. Bitch, you are not Oprah. Don’t even front like you are not trying to steal her shit. I saw you on my TV yelling “EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE GETS TO TAKE ONE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!” just like Oprah does. In case you didn’t notice, my girl O is a baaaaad bitch. She will fucking cut you. If I were you I’d watch that donkey and make sure Oprah don’t swoop down on you and squash your shit. She could have you off air quicker than Cop Rock.
Retarded News: The news is retarded. Sure there are legit news items that we all should read and absorb but there is also shit like this Drunk online shopping? No shit. Maybe that’s how I got this Vincent Gallo Buffulo 66 action figure?
PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
Vincent Gallo
“I don’t trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.”
— taken from imdb.com personal quotes page.
Vincent Gallo is one of those people I just love to hate. He carries himself with this level of arrogance and bravado that is unparalleled. Also he is crazy and I don’t mean like a fox. Take a look at dude’s eyes. Seriously. There is some Charles Manson type shit going on in them shits.
Not surprisingly, I find him fascinating. Really though, who the fuck else do you know selling his sperm via the merch page on his own website? The sperm listed as “Vincent Gallo’s Sperm” $1 million dollars. The purchase includes “all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery.” However, “If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000.” Gallo goes on to state that the additional charge might be waived if “detailed photos of the purchaser” are found desirable. What a champ! But that’s not even the best part. This right here, this is the gem, “Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.” That sentence alone earned him player of the week.
Earlier today I suggested you visit the merch page and read the full description of the terms and conditions surrounding the sale of Mr. Gallo’s sperm. However, sometime between last night and this post it has been removed! I know what a fucking drag! But shit man, you know I’m crafty. I found a pdf doc of the eBay listing. Peep the comments if you want in on this shit. You can cut and paste the link for the doc. But you are gonna need Acrobat Reader. If you want to pitch in on some Gallo goo, holler at your girl. I’m thinking it might come in hand during post-apocalyptic times.
The official website for Vincent Gallo by Vincent Gallo is also totally worth perusing. Dude is bonkers.
November 8th, 2005 at 3:36 pm
fuck, my head is spinning.
Is his sperm availible in the “miscellaneous” section?
November 8th, 2005 at 3:44 pm
click the lank biiiitach.
November 8th, 2005 at 4:25 pm
I did, which is why I’m asking…..
November 8th, 2005 at 4:33 pm
UPDATE - It looks like Gallo’s sperm mighta got sold already. The item description on his website has been removed since last night. Which is a total fucking drag. I’m fucking pissed right now. I am going to see if I can find a replication of the entire text to post.
Sorry players.
November 8th, 2005 at 4:44 pm
www.pen15club.net/archive/jordan/gallo-auction.pdf
cut and paste this link into yer browser and it should download automatically.
November 9th, 2005 at 12:24 am
to be honest, I have no idea who this guy is. He isn’t goodlooking, why do women want his swimmies? I’m not getting pregnant by an ugly guy so I can push some giantic stroller around and block everyone in the shampoo aisle. no, not me. uh, yeah.
November 9th, 2005 at 2:40 am
probably one of my favorite reads ever. i remember coming home with his mag, cracking it open, pouring over it, then cracking up whilst reading the vincent gallo “interview”. shit is just classic.
http://www.galloappreciation.com/grandroyal/grandroyal.html
November 9th, 2005 at 2:47 am
‘this mag’, rather.
November 9th, 2005 at 9:02 am
wow. i’m so mad at myself for not reading this on tuesday. i’ve never even heard of this gallo guy before now, but i think i’m hooked. he’s despicable and oddly lovable all at the same time. i think he is my poster boy for love to hate and hate to love. he’s a lovely hater, and he knows that miniature donkeys rule (esp the sicilian ones!) thank you lydia.
November 9th, 2005 at 10:42 am
DUDE! Jayoyayo - you totally made my morning with that fucking article. That’s some classic Gallo right there. Im sayind dude is a total fucking trip. This might be the best visual yet:
“He was wearing a light pink leather suit that had airbrushed flames all over, and engraved into the leather were flowers, hearts and bunnies. He made it himself. God, he does it all. He also made his patent leather hat which was frayed into the shape of Warren Beatty’s hair in the movie Shampoo. And a pair of transparent Adidas that Mr. Adidas made for him in 1981. He was wearing solid gold socks underneath.”
mle - the good thing about the internets is they ae open all the time for your perusing. Hater Tuesday is a state of mind, girl. You got it.
November 9th, 2005 at 1:04 pm
you know how they say they key to happiness is to “find one thing and do it well”? Well you’ve found your thing. You hate. And you hate better than anyone I know.
So the root of happiness for you is….hatred.
November 9th, 2005 at 1:23 pm
vagina - first off thanks. second off its semi-ironical that you mention the one thing i do well is hate. i tried to tell people that years ago and no one believed me. in fact hater tuesday was born from a new years resolution i made to be a kinder and gentler lydia. my friends kept telling me i was harsh and too rude all the time so i went on the “hate wagon” so to speak. obviously that shit didnt last. “Kinder Gentler Lydia 2.0″ created Tuesdays as ameans to make some balance in her life. Eventually I slid right back into the hater you now know and love. and i ain’t changing for shit. i hate therefore i am.
someone has to. shit.
November 9th, 2005 at 1:26 pm
but then again vagina…you know this story.
November 9th, 2005 at 2:02 pm
hate to go against the grain here, but vincent gallo gets no love (not even hate/love) from me. he’s a fucking bitch. “weird” is his lame ass shtick and it’s boring and annoying. fuck that fucking herb. his movies suck balls too.
November 9th, 2005 at 2:45 pm
hate on max-a-million….i agree with you on his lame ass shtick…its tired indeed. but i cant deny that i am fascinated by him. i just am. but on the real he’s pretty fucking lame. back when brown bunny came out i wrote like a 5 part series on how much i hated his ass.
November 9th, 2005 at 10:14 pm
I just want to say that babies are dumb as fuck and my mommy thinks I’m weird when I tell her I’m not fucking with a tiny shit factory.
November 10th, 2005 at 4:18 am
why the fuck does his website offer a link to his “bibliography”? is this so we’re able to track down his paired appearances in the thriving japanese rock-magazine industry? yeah, thanks vince, it’s under control, you crotch.
here’s a gem from his “personal message to fans”:
Do not send me scripts, as I have never read a script in my life, including ones to films I’ve acted in, and ones that I’ve written and directed.
ooooh, you’re a bad ass mofo, vince. let me just finish polishing your Bad Ass award and i’ll send it right over…oh! but wait a minute, my skin might be too dark to come near you…
November 10th, 2005 at 9:04 am
man, you have to love someone so out there, the grand royal interview he did asking himself questions is a classic, but you all should hunt down the war of words he and roger ebert had,shit was classic. very much along the lines of the thing below on his web site.
i have not seen the brown bunny, but i hear it’s awful. just makes me want to see it more.
the only thing about the have for v.g. is it seems he thrives on it, and does stuff like the sperm thing to get a rise from people, get them talking and hating. so this begs the question, if someone is doing something for the hate, do we hate and give them what they want?
from his site:and thanks for the link lydia, it is a marvel to behold…
” if I notice any polluted messages, which usually come from bitter, jealous, ugly, poorly-hung men, who are unhappy at work and wished their whole life to be like me, I will remove these unproductive nasty little posts and I would like to say to these twisted queers and half-men, I feel sorry for you. All I ever wanted to do was be me. I hope one day you feel the same about yourself and release yourself from the petty, small-minded urges of polluting this message board and distracting its wonderful members. So go ahead and say whatever you want nasty about me, but know that we will all know by your insults just how small your pecker really is and how miserable your life has always been and how long it’s been since any girl under 500 pounds responded to your cheap lines at the local pub.
As for girls who badmouth me, I don’t know what I did to offend you, but I’m sorry. Please forgive me and be nice. My mom was mean. She never liked me. So have a heart.
With this all said, say whatever you want, but try to be productive and positive and friendly. It’s nice to be friendly. I was friendly once. It felt real good.”
November 10th, 2005 at 10:50 am
Serg: CO-MUTHERFUCKING SIGN. My mom is trippin too she acts as if I am breaking some sort of Mexican law by not shitting out at least 3 kids by now. I mean I’m hella old now…
Farrah J : he is indeed a “crotch” i need to start using that term more. Fucking crotch.
Aye Jeezy: gallo’s dork is huge.
November 10th, 2005 at 3:22 pm
I had to respond to an internet survey for work. They asked, “What websites do you frequent for entertainment?”
“Hater Tuesdays, bee-otch” i answered.
loving you girl…
November 10th, 2005 at 4:02 pm
miss maria g - thank god you added “bee-otch” i wouldnt have it any other way.
loving you.
November 11th, 2005 at 8:07 am
I read this to my husband this morning, and now we’re both wandering around the house muttering “Stroller Bitches. Stroller BITCHES. STROLLER bitches. Stroller beeyotches…” and giggling to ourselves a lot. Thank you for exposing the seamy underbelly of American Parenthood. We’re both sick of these self-important Stroller Bitches & Perambulating Assholes.
These are the same assholes who drive SUVs with bumper stickers blessing our American military troops for dying for oil for their fucking SUVs.
But that’s a rant for another day.
November 11th, 2005 at 11:28 am
pfffffffff…
Vincent Gallo has the biggest dick I have ever seen. I watched him get his dick sucked by a hot actress and he came in her mouth. that shit it tough. I’d suck it just to say “I sucked Vincent Gallo’s Dick”. That’s a button you should make. Fuck that baby shit. Just make me a button with that slogan and I’ll rock it well.
Stroller Bitches must die. They need to be exterminated from this land. RRRBM.
R.
Kids freak me out and make me want to pull an Oprah cut.
November 11th, 2005 at 1:15 pm
aph - welcome - together we can defeat these stroller bitches. fucking bitches. don’t even get me started on the SUV and minivan contingent. Indeed a rant for another day.
reprimanda- gallo’s dork is huge. i will make you a button.
November 11th, 2005 at 2:48 pm
can i get a button too? k, i haven’t seen his dork, but i’ll take yours and reprimanda’s word on it. where can i see his dork? do i have to watch that brown bunny movie, cause i just remembered i saw Buffalo 66, and it wasn’t good.
November 11th, 2005 at 3:12 pm
mle - because i am the knower of many things you can see gallo’s dork here
oh and you other people can see his dork there too. don’t play you know you want to see it.
godbless fleshbot!
November 11th, 2005 at 3:56 pm
poor Chloë…
the folks at CTAM decided we need to begin work on “The Untitled Hater Tuesday Project” script - a made-for-TV, after-school special type production.
We’re going to work on getting Tara Reid to play the part of Lydia… Parker Posie if Tara’s unavailable.
November 11th, 2005 at 4:41 pm
chloe loves gallo dork - look at her - she’s swollowing that thing whole.
wow a movie. wow. i can see it now. it can be a retrospective of the my early hating years in catholic school, then onto my tender high school hating years and then the onto my unfortunate yet true life it’s all love hippy years which car crashed directly into my current state of hate.
i think tara would be the only one to really represent my super human drinking powers accurately…however parker posey is the only person that woud be able to totally represent my superhuman hating powers -i adore her. like hella. with that said they both need a sandwich or 7 in order to portray me accurately. or better yet a plate of al pastor tacos…stat!
November 11th, 2005 at 4:44 pm
Don’t forget Meredith Baxter Birney as the mom.
You know, if Lifetime will pimp her out.
November 11th, 2005 at 4:54 pm
k, i saw it. it’s a nice size, not the biggest i’ve seen, but it’s near perfect, which is more important.
and yeah, parker posey rules, but really now, tara reid can’t play you! if parker’s not available, there has GOT to be a better substitute.
November 11th, 2005 at 5:15 pm
mle: personally - i like a little curve - sorry if that was TMI for some of you.
and yeah i go with parkey posey and no way would Meredith Baxter Birney work for my mom. I want the mexican lady who played Selena’s murder. she plays every older female role in every movie ever.
but my mom is way prettier. hmmm…ill have to think abou it.
November 12th, 2005 at 2:04 am
i hate skool and i hate teachers shoving Harry Potter down us throats every day (”reading is good for you.., blah, blah, blah”) - i hate reading skool books and i hate Harry Potter. Tuesdays are cool coz i get to see the skool nurse and she is well fit! for more anti-potter shit go to www.skoolsucks.co.uk - spread the word!
November 12th, 2005 at 8:56 pm
That’s fucking messed up…And you know that it’s going to be some ugly bitch who tries to buy his sperm.
November 13th, 2005 at 3:09 am
I don’t think there’s any actess who would have the chops to play mom. Big, mexican, hippie, catholic, nurse, political activist, crazy woman obsessed with remodeling?
That’s like 5 different movie roles in one.
November 14th, 2005 at 10:01 am
adam - dude you are so right. i mean mom is freaking multifaceted…and we need someone with the life experience to cover all those aspects as well as someone who can accurately represent her attraction to all things glittery. Dude - im surprised she has not painted on of the rooms in the house like a sparkly easter egg yet.
November 14th, 2005 at 6:00 pm
Have you seen his film BROWN BUNNY…It has the most realistic scene of him getting dome…better than any porno I’ve peeped and whether prostetic or real he was definitely packing a mule…after I watched it I noticed that is wasn’t rated…he wrote, produced, directed, etc…check it
November 15th, 2005 at 10:37 am
oh if I could read backwards…I see there has been viewing of the aforementioned cock…I wanna button 2…and lets have movie night!!!
November 15th, 2005 at 11:00 am
Buffy - no, yes it is a huge dork, it’s cool sometimes we all skim ahead and sure, name the time and the place.
January 31st, 2006 at 3:22 pm
[…] and your cart all askew in the middle of the isle blocking traffic, you might as well be a stroller bitch. If one more person gives me that bullshitty point to the phone with that […]
February 13th, 2006 at 10:24 am
This is my all time favorite Hater Tuesday ever. After I read this I emailed Vincent Gallo and told him he is either totally ya-ya or doesn’t get credit for his sense of humor. He emailed back thanking me for the nice email and requesting photos.
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