Hater Tuesday

Ladies and Gentleman It’s Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday…
Pre-Thanksgiving Snacks: Every year I say this sentence to my mom, “All we need is a box of crackers, some cheese and some fruit, maybe some salami - nothing more, nothing less” Every year I show up and the fucking coffee table is overflowing with shit I did not ask for. Like 4 kinds of fucking cheese, assorted deli meats, fucking chips and dip, goddamned tamales, homemade chile, guacamole, dried and fresh fruit, veggies, lil smokies in bbq sauce and just about anything else snack wise you could possibly want to put in your mouth. My mom’s snack spread puts most Vegas buffets to shame. Some of you may be thinking “What the fuck is her problem, I like snacks…why doesn’t she like snacks” To answer your question - I’m cool with snacks. Too fucking cool. That’s the problem. I will eat the snacks and then when it comes time for dinner I am too full to eat the good shit. This year was no different. Look at this shit - this is only half of it.

My mom is a fucking maniac - every time a bowl would empty something new would arrive in it’s place. My living room would emit a collective sigh that sounded something like “Ughhhhhhhh…oooohhhhh, damn…..ughhhhh, mmmmmm - wait, when’s dinner?” By the time I had dinner on the table (It was 9pm - I had to wait as long as humanly possible so we could all make room) I was so fucking tired of eating. We had the most anti-climactic dinner ever. We all sat down, pushed food around on our plates and said things like “PASS THE WINE PLEASE” while my mom did her famous Mexican Mom Food Pusher routine on all of us. Shit like, “Did you try the potatoes?….How about the asparagas? The roast is delicious, did you try it? Have some more - we have plenty” No shit mom. We have plenty. Plenty is why my house is called The House of Fat. All living things that cross the threshold of my casa instantly get fat. Just try and hang out for 10 minutes with out my mom forcing some shit on you.

Bartenders with Flair: Look pal, I saw Cocktail and I wasn’t impressed then. What makes you think I am going to be impressed now? Seriously, just pour my drink. Don’t flip my straw into my glass. Don’t toss my lime wedge behind your back and over your shoulder. Don’t even hold the booze bottle abnormally high above my drink just to show me how accurately you can pour a shot. Just pour the fucking booze in a glass, put some ice in it, put some water in there or whatever and give it to me. Quickly. And cheaply.

which leads me to….

Salty Bartender: There is nothing better than having a friend behind the bar. I’m not cheap or anything (wait, yes I am). I just don’t see the logic in paying for booze when I can just charm the pants off the person serving it to me thus forcing them to give it to me for free or at a reduced rate. I mean, I drink. A lot. So do my pals. We are lazy and uninspired, so when we find somewhere with the booze and bartender we like, we post the fuck up. Hell we even tip and when the free drinks start coming we tip even more. So it’s not like they are loosing any dough by giving us the hook up. In fact, if they are smart they will pocket the tips and experience a little come up. See how that works? Anyhoo back to Salty Bartender. Since I am a girl, I am not afraid of using my lady charms to gain free drank faster. All it takes is some witty banter, a slight lean over the bar and a smile. Next thing you know FREE DRANK! However sometimes you get a bartender who doesn’t know his role and gets all personally caught up. He may start in with inappropriate hand touching or the lean over the bar hug. This often leads to the asking for the phone number so you can hang out when he is “not working”. The phone calls are easy to dodge but you must be careful. You don’t want to compromise your free drank by being rude. If he starts coming out from behind the bar for a hug you know you are really fucked - at one point you are going to have to let him know you only like him for his free drank. Once he realizes that you only want his free drank he might get salty and cut off yo’ free drank siting something retarded like “New Management” or “Bottle Measuring.” That is some bullshit right there. Don’t take that for shit - if this happens you should instantly call him out and say “Look, you only chargin’ me cause I ain’t feelin’ yo’ ponytail…” or some otherwise snide remark. Drink yo’ drank, gather your rellies and bounce the fuck out. It’s time for a new bartender.

Jaime Foxx: I said it before and I will say it again. YOU ARE NOT RAY CHARLES! This fool is really on some shit right now. He keeps breaking off hooks for fools too cheap to clear the real Ray (see Kanye, Ludacris, ect…) I don’t care if you did win an Oscar. If I have to hear him croon one more time like he’s fucking Ray Charles I’m going to fucking explode. Ya’ll need to get up on Bay Charles - on the real.

PLAYERS OF THE WEEK

This week goes to a faceless drunk (thanks to my crappy phone cam) I met at a shitty dive bar that I have been going to for-ever in San Jose. This dude was so wasted he could barely stand up and smoke or form sentences outside the bar, yet was able to articulate and order the most ridiculous drink order ever. Dude ordered this, “House merlot in a bucket glass with a Sutter Home Chardonnay split in the bottle” and here’s the amazing part - HE GOT SERVED! He stumbled away from the bar with tossing back his merlot like it was ginger ale while simulataneously twisting off the cap on the Sutter Home split. It was semi-inspirational.

50 Cent: Talk about being on some shit….your boy 50 is trippin hard these days. I’m not going to even talk about his recent Bush comments. You should click on the right over there under the links and see what Big Max has to say about it. He pretty much sums it up. What I will comment on is 50’s latest endeavor to create a vibrator based on his own penis. Yes. His own penis. I bet you Vincent Gallo is so pissed that he didn’t think of that first. Gallo is the only other dude I can think of that would even consider marketing something like that (I mean outside of porn stars) So ladies stay tuned we all may be able to purchase our very own “magic stick” in the very near future. What’s next in the wide wide world of hip hop marketing? Trina pocket pussies?

Coming soon - Fuckers We Love To Hate and Your Year in Hate aka Best of Hater Tuesday. Nominate your favorite HT posts by emailing me lydia@hatertuesday.com

Looks like the Go Dumb helmet craze of the Bay is reaching LA finally. Keanu better watch out. If Goldie Gold finds out someone gonna get punched in the neck.

Ashley, all the hookers in the ‘Loin called and they want their white heels and tights back. Seriously, look at her heels. They are tranny heels. Also sorry to break it to you girl, but Jessica’s cans are still better. Nice try though.

Seriously WTF? Laguna Beach is a shitty reality show. Yes I watch it from time to time but usually I am like “I FUCKING HATE THESE BITCHES” I don’t understand why this show is getting a spin off. LC is boring and placid. I could give two shits about her life. If we are gonna get spin offs I’d prefer to watch Kristin tramp around Hollywood and break hearts. She’s cold blooded and I like that about her. Back to the images. WTF is up with the girl with Talan? WHY IS SHE FREAKING OUT? Is it because he’s engaged to Kimberly Stewart? Is it because he is giving her the stink finger and she knows she’s about to get a Dirty Sanchez? Someone get this little girl a tissue and a Prozac stat. Oh and cancel her cable. Immediately.

Madonna put pants on now. Right fucking now. Or at the very least stop squatting. I do not want to see your vagina anymore. Ever. Ever.

BONUS HATE******

Fuck you guys man. You got me feeling all less than hateriffic for not being full of firey venom this week. But you are right. This was a light post. Here is some auxillary hate to make it better.

Drunk Rhythm-less Dancers: We’ve all seen them. Drunk, overzealous dancers, usually they are white with zero rhythm. They are flinging each other all over the dance floor, off beat and out of time, yet they are dancing around like they are the next coming of John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. It’s really bad when the chick thinks she super foxy. She usually makes bad goo-goo eyes at her partner and tries to back her nonexistent booty into her partner’s nether region while her partner simulates the booty slap or worse grinds into her perversely. Watching them dance is like watching a bad porn preview. You know they are going to go back to the crib and have terrible awkward sex. She will get bored half-way through (if there even is a half-way. It’s more likely that his whisky dick will shoot it’s half-pea sized load in like the first 20 seconds. ) and she will end up doing her best Jenna Jameson impersonation just to get him off of her. They will wake up in the morning in a room stinking something fierce. It will be a bad combo of Drakkar Noir, Bath and Body Works Cucumber Lotion, rubbers and stale beer. She will wonder if he “really likes her” and he will wonder “when the fuck is she leaving?” Instead of telling the truth to thier friends they will both end up saying this, “OH MAN, IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME - BEST SEX EVER”

Paul Wall Got Fat Rap people, did you see the VIBE Awards? (Not that it was worth watching) I tuned in to watch the Dirty South medley featuring Lil Weezy, Paul Wall, Slim Thug and Mike Jones. To my surprise Paul Wall was living LAAAAAAAAAARGE. As Big Max would say “Dude was looking like he been eating HEALTHY!” I been scouring the interwebs for pics from VIBE but ain’t had much luck. If you find some pics of the new and expanded Paul Wall email me. I want to post them. I think he may have swolled his wife. Seriously, it really looked like the People’s Champ been eating up all the people’s food.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
Missy Elliot

This is the most un-hip-hop moment ever. Is that a motorized scooter? She might as well have come out on a goddamned razor scooter. Just because Adidas sends you free clothes from thier new winter line doesn’t mean you have to wear them. This color blocked 70s bullshit is not cute. On anyone. Especially Missy. Um also did she not get the memo about fucking Uggs? Sure these are Coach but that’s not really making it okay. I understand that she is trying to off set her other foot which appears to be in a support boot of some sort. However, I’m all about if you are hurt stay home. I don’t want to watch you hobble around and “perform” That’s some lame shit right there.

When I saw these photos I could not help but fast foward in my head to the year 2020 when Missy and Jigga and everyone will be like 60 years old - sure Jigga’s supposed to be retired but I can’t help but think that there will be some lame Hip Hop Honors shit where they wheel them all out to perform. My guess is they will use scooters just like this. I’m crying on the inside right now.

My friends in hate, it’s been a nutty ass week here at HT. Hella fools have found my site thanks to the prolific and hilarious writings of Dave White who linked me last week in his article on MSNBC.com(I told you I had friends in high places and not just cause they been blowin’ purp) So propers to the new readers, I’m hoping that some of the 2,500 of you who showed up last week will be here again to get your hate on. You know you love it.

I got a pocket full of hate and my homeboys do too….

Individuals With Poor Reading Comprehension Skills:
My boy Dave hated on the Harry Potter hype machine last week. As a film critic, he is responsible for critiquing films. Therefore it is inevitable that he will NOT like a film. However in this specific article, Dave does not pan the film. In fact, he does not even offer an ioda of an opinion about the film. It is simply one man’s commentary on why the Harry Potter hype and phenomenon has left him dead inside. Not surprisingly, every damn Potter fan under the sun has pulled themselves out of whatever fantasy chatroom they have been lurking in just to comment something like “U R dum Harry Potter Rulez” or “What about the magic, man? Don’t you feel the magic?” in dude’s inbox. This makes me laugh. Don’t you bitches read? Dave* ain’t hating on Potter. He’s hating on the hype behind Potter. Truth be told, I bet you Dave really likes this movie. He’s a homo and homos are all about magic and fantasy and shit. But due to the nonsense on every block advertising and promoting Potter, poor Dave has been left with a bitter taste in his mouth. I, on the other hand, have an icy cold block of snow where my heart used to be. So, I will go on record and say - I could give two shits about Harry fucking Potter and his damn magical goblet of whatever the fuck. Unless that shit is filled with crunk juice and the Federation’s“Donkey” video plays continually when you stare into it. I ain’t fucking with it. Magic is for pussies. I keeps it reaaaaaal.

Arrow Bar: Trust me, I fully understand that everyone needs to get paid. I’m the very first one to come with the classic, “Fuck you. Pay me!” when it comes down to the brass tacks. But 1:20am at the Arrow Bar, you ain’t getting shit. It’s about to be last call, hair-do and all I want is a Jack & Ginger to finish up my night right. Ya hear me? 3 dollars to get in my ass.

Razors: It is just me or is the disposable razor head the fucking business to be in? At $9.99 for 3 and $17.99 for 5 that’s some scrilla stacks right there. Fuck the music business, I’m slanging Schick from now on.

And now I am proud to present guest hate from my very own brother, Cheesebadger:
(yes he is my real brother, don’t ask about the name, it’s a long story)

The follow are excerpts from his self-titled “Enemies List: An Ever Constant Work In Progress…”

Samuel L Jackson: For being cooler and blacker than i’ll ever be.
Andy Milonakis: For edging in on my “crazy-fat-kid” schtick. And for being a 29 year old bastard.
George Thorogood: For having huge chompers that could bite through a redwood.
Kevin Sorbo: Fuck that guy.
Carlos Mencia: For pretending like hes breaking down any cultural barriers, and being a lying jerk.
Kurt Cobain: Whatever with Kurt Cobain. Fuck that guy too.
Uwe Boll: For not dying already.
Dimension Films: For milking the Hellraiser franchise to bleeding swollen death, and for singlehandedly ruining horror for many years to come with their Pg-13 bullshit.
Half Of All Guys Named Steve: I’ve always been one to mention the cosmic wonders of the name Steve. Guys named Steve are always, without exception, universally either total assholes, or really fucking cool. And they’re EVERYWHERE! That guy who backed into your car in the parking lot? That’s a dude named Steve. That other guy who you nod to whenever you pass him in the school/work hallways, but never actually talk to, that dude is fucking named Steve, and he’s fucking cool. Or a total douche. It’s written in blood, or stone, or stoneblood, or something. Bleeding rocks? Whatever.
Snakes: Particularly any on a plane. I don’t need any fucking snakes on my planes. Goddamn snakes.

Whoever Invented Breast Reductions: You’re a dick. Or a cunt.
All The Fucking People Who Didn’t See Serenity, But Then Went And Watched Fucking FLIGHTPLAN: You all have no fucking taste. I hate all of you.
Micheal Moore: Whatever with political reasons, i may be on the same page with him politically, but the dude still looks like a hairy shaved werewolf baby with down syndrome.
Fox Execs: For pulling the shit they did to Arrested Development, and probably fucking cancelling it soon. They wouldn’t know a good show if it came right up to their face and smacked them with its cock.
Other People Named “Adam”: Fuck them. I should be the only one.
50 Cents: I don’t give a shit about the racist connotations, dude looks like a fucking monkey, he can’t rap, he sure as shit can’t act, and everytime I see him glistening with sweat on stage, i’m sure he fucking smells. Plug a 10th bullet in his ass and finish the job.
Moby: For being a bald white bastard. Also, so y’all don’t think i’m a racist ass after saying all that shit about 50.
Everyone Who Now Thinks I’m Racist Ass For Saying All That Shit About 50: Yeah, fuck you too.

Player of the Week:
Breezy’s in walkers and wheelchairs all in the club

Please check out homegirl here in the walker out on the dancefloor at the club. This was taken at the cutty-ass Bailey/J.Valentineshow at Blue Cube on Saturday night. This girl didn’t give a fuck. She wheeled her ass out onto that floor right into the thick of it and went doo-doo-dumb-on-the-yellow-bus-retarded with her bad self. The house was packed that night - complete with 2 girl fights and Bailey walking off stage cause “ya’ll niggas are really fucking up my couch right now**” and she still didn’t give a fuck. She was out there all night with her drank and her walker hyphy as a mofo.

I went out to Sweet Jimmie’s last week and there was a breezy in a wheelchair there too. She was equally hyphy, bouncing in her chair, eating wings and hitting on dudes left and right. She kicked it to my married homeboy with this line, “Yeah, I’m married too but that don’t mean I can’t get down” That’s some player shit right there.

So I tip my hat to these disabled breezies who just charge that shit to the game and roll the fuck out. That’s more than I can say for some of my able bodied friends. Holler at your breezy next time.

*The ironic part is that Dave is taller, scarier and has a far deeper voice than that hairy fuck Hagrid. If any of these fools saw or met Dave they would cower in fear.

**for those of you who do not speak Yay Area that means - There are too many people on the stage and around me while I’m rapping. Please remove yourselves from the performance area.