Bitches and Mark-Ass Busters, It’s Muther Fucking Hater Tuesday…
Here we are bitches, it’s Tuesday so let’s get crackin. Buckets of hate are strewn upon:
1. People Who Sign Emails Best - You might as well sign, “I’m an insincere douche-bag” Seriously, “best.” Really, “best?” Can’t I get something a bit more heartfelt? A bit more original? What about, “Speak Soon?” or “Thanks for your time?” or “Rock On? ” or fucking even “Holler Back” has more appeal than douchey “best.” Get original people.
2. Bed Bath and Beyond - I’m pretty sure this is exactly what hell will be like. I will be trapped eternally wandering isle after isle past waffle irons, sautee pans that only cook one egg, weird bathroom organizers, bed-in-a-bag sets and vast amounts of smelly candles and cleaning supplies I’ve never heard of before, accompanied by my mother who will make comments like, “Oooh look at that - it’s purple!” and “You know who has a rug like this? Karen. But I think hers is bigger and I’m sure she paid more!”
3. Glen Danzig - My heart breaks a little as I write this, cause, I mean, shit it’s Glen Danzig. But seriously folks, it has to be said. Glen Danzig is bald. And, gulp, can’t sing anymore. I’m not playing around - I know it’s hard to stomach. I want Glen to stay rough and stuff forever as well but it’s done friends. It’s fucking done. I saw grandpa the other night out at the Pound SF - a super metal outdoor venue in cutty-ass Bayview and he was worked. His hair is the most disturbing thing ever. It just hangs there weak, wimpy strands clinging to his bare scalp. They whip around as he attempts to strut his stuff like it’s still tight and right and still 1989. Dude couldn’t even reach half the notes he used to. I do have to say he did a great job with the Misfits cuts he and Doyle* played. The 30 minutes or so with Doyle were fucking choice - but the rest, it was a little disturbing. I kept trying to look past it but the hater in me couldn’t look away. Now, I’m here, calling out Glen officially. Take off the rubber shirt dude, retire the skull belt that’s holding up that ponch and just slip away….slip, slip away into obscurity. It’s better this way trust me.
*Seriously tho, Doyle has kept it tight and mutherfucking right - he may or may not have been playing his guitar but dude looks good. Real good - someone’s been drinking his milk. Word.
4. The E! Channel - What’s up E! You got beef? Why you gotta cancel Taradise? You got a problem with Tara? Why you gotta dog her out like that? That’s some fucked up shit. Non of those other bitches you had ever took it where Tara takes it. I don’t seem to remember Jules Asner getting freaky in Capri? Brooke Burke never got so gurped out she spaced her purse like 3 times, including one time where she lost like 30Gs worth of jewels? Huh? Did they? You know what all those wasted scenarios spell out? R-A-T-I-N-G-S! And if they ain’t then you need to put a smack down on that decrepit marketing department of yours and tell them to start spinning shit. You fuckers better get right or, your couch, yep, fuck it!
5. I’ve also got more hate on Hip-Hop this week. I was inspired by an old Davey D newsletter. After reading Davey’s rant about No More Bad Shows, I wrote this. SergDun over at Beer & Rap recently commented on his distaste of “Weed Anthems” and that just reminded me how much hip-hop bugs right now. So here are three things about hip-hop shows that drive me insane. Here’s to hoping hip-hop gets it together in ‘06 or I’ll go metal…You hear me Hip-Hop? I’ll fucking do it. I’m not kidding.
5.1. No more, “YOU SING IT” -
The concept of a live show is to see and hear the artist you paid to see perform songs live. Am I right? Why is it then that so many of these fools out here are constantly pointing the mic into the crowd and asking the kids to sing the songs? Granted, I do understand the call and response concept as well as audience participation, but there are some cats out there that do this during their sets entirely too much. Want to toss the mic into the crowd during a popular song cause the kids are feeling it so much you can barely hear yourself rap? Fine then, do it. But, let’s be real when was the last time you were at a show and saw that happen? If I wanted to hear myself or some other fool sing along and do his best impression of you, I wouldn’t have put on cute shoes, stood in line and paid to see your ass. Period.
5.2. No more, “WHERE MY LADIES AT?”
Yes fool, we are here. Hip-hop is for the people. All the people. Lots and lots and lots of females, support and dig the music. We go to shows, we buy your albums and we do know how to act at a show. We pump our fists, we know the words, we dance, we knock, we do it all. That is why we went in the first place. We have not been standing around bored, waiting for our boyfriends to bring us drinks, rolling our eyes at this “crazy rap stuff” the entire time. We do not need our own little time with a “sexy” beat and a song with words about how “special” we are to dance and get into it. Unless you really don’t see any ladies and you are truly concerned that the female portion of your audience has been completely bored and has been afraid to speak up and get involved until you remind them you should probably keep the “Where my ladies at?” to yourself. Trade it in for something more all inclusive like, “WHERE MY PEOPLES AT?” or “ARE YOU ALL LIVE”
5.3. No more, “WHO GOT A BLUNT FOR ME?”
Geeez, this is one that really gets me. I am not against pot smoking. If you want to get high fine. No problem with me. In fact, from time to time I might even sit down next to you. But, that does not make it okay for you to flaunt your lifestyle so prominently. Hip-hop is a culture, as a culture we have a responsibility to the younger members of our culture to provide them with an opportunity to make choices for themselves. It is too often that performers make a time in their show or even worse refuse to start a show until a member of the audience passes a blunt to the stage. What kind of message is that? Creativity stagnates unless it is catalyzed by a mind altering drug? Hip-hop only makes sense if your high? Your skills are so weak, we should all get high so that we do not realize your rhymes are wack? I think you understand where I am coming from here. My point is, if you want to get high, do it on your own time. Do it before the show, off stage, by yourself. Besides, weed is expensive and you ain’t got 5 on this!
Last but not least -
Player of the Week:
This week the honors go to Agro K. Danger over at Club-Thrill-A-Minute for building this fucking gem. The CTAM dudes are like so fucking awesome it’s not even funny. They are the reason Funkybiznatch has a place to fucking rant weekly. I should really send some strippers and 40s over there one of these days.
That’s right bitches, I got myself a flossy ass banner. If you want to rep your hood click here to get the goods. Friends help friends, so fucking do it.
This just in … Lil Kim needs your letters….drop your girl a line and let her know you’ll never forget how she can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth. Imma tell her how sorry I am they cut her weave off. I heard they cut her shit crooked on purpose just to front. Bitches. That’s no way to treat the Queen Bee. Shoot.
Kimberly Jones / 56198-054
FDC PHILADELPHIA
FEDERAL DETENTION CENTER
P.O. BOX 562
PHILADELPHIA, PA 19106
October 4th, 2005 at 10:29 am
The last time I stepped foot in Bed Bath and Beyond was because one of my friends was registered there, and I spent 45 minutes trying to find the wok that they asked for. By the time I was finished I wanted to kill. The aisles are too skinny for the carts and they cram all kinds of crap into what they call “rooms” and not “sections,” and this really bothers me. As it makes me want to kill, I call the store “Bloodbath and Beyond.”
Best,
Kennedy
October 4th, 2005 at 10:32 am
dood. hip hop. rad.
October 4th, 2005 at 10:39 am
Kennedy - Bloodbath and Beyond - I like it. Fuck that place and it’s couch.
Merks - dood. so rad.
October 4th, 2005 at 10:54 am
Nice Banner.
Thanks for the hate today. I’m feelin’ it.
October 4th, 2005 at 11:21 am
bloodbath and beyond is the best name ever.
Damn, no more taradise? Now what am I gonna watch when I play pool and listen to music? The best thing about having her on is that she makes me look like the dignified, virtuous drinker I always set out to be.
October 4th, 2005 at 11:43 am
dipper - when i say dip you dip, when you say dip i dip….
mle - dude i know…tara makes us all look as regal as paula dean at kentucky derby garden party. i like it.
October 4th, 2005 at 12:53 pm
while i can’t really fuck with the trainwreck known as taradise, i can appreciate the pure artistic value of it’s existence. i thought you should know those good for nothings at rolling stone have also posted a save taradise rant in the new issue.
someones up on hater tuesdays…first xlr8r, now rolling stone? maybe it’s time to start “ridin” on these mainstream publications for biting your hater-ific ways. just a thought.
October 4th, 2005 at 1:07 pm
fuck that shit. who got weed for me? whos gonna give me their blunt before i rap? who’s gonna give me their whole 8th of bomb or im not rapping. fuck that shit. im feeling the hate here for sho’
October 4th, 2005 at 1:25 pm
GLEN DANZIG CAN WEAR HIS HAIR AND HIS CLOTHES HOWEVER HE WANTS. HE IS HARDER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.
Best,
Laurie Ann Gutierrez
October 4th, 2005 at 1:40 pm
Laurie Ann Simbro -
Don’t even front with that fake latina bullshit on here…it’s mutherfucking Tuesday, which means it’s my world girl, my world. In my world we don’t got to lie to kick it - Glen Danzig is lying when all he needs to do it just kick it. You know his voice sounded bad…it took dude 35 minutes to warm up and complete one signature yelp…don’t be blinded by your good memories and the sentimental value that is and was Danzig/Misfits. He’s special to me too - but I calls em like I sees em and let’s face it, dude is bald….im sorry.
Fuck yo couch-
Lydia Alma Rose Villarreal Popovich
“latina by birth”
wiggaplease…and you know this mayne, get yo own damn grapes….these shits are mine.
October 4th, 2005 at 6:49 pm
I loooove Bed Bath and Beyond.
Rappers won’t rap until someone gives them free pot? Fuck that. I’d rather get high listening to their CD in the privacy of my own home and not have to “share” the goodies. Douches. (assuming I still did that sort of thing…I’m so old. See above comment. )
October 5th, 2005 at 7:53 am
snap. i didnt see lil kim’s address at first, you think inmates are allowed crayons for gangsta rap coloring? big poppas in there!
October 5th, 2005 at 10:01 am
Wendy - Im appalled at your love of BB&B. But then again you are in the Southwest - maybe things are different there. You also own a house - so you can have nice things….all my shit is held together with duct tape and a dream…but i kinda like it like that.
aye jiggles - never know….i mean you can’t really shank someone with a crayon - so it’s prolly cool…knowing kim she will probably melt them shits down and make her own gutter-ass make up kit.
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