Ladies and Gentleman It’s Hater Tuesday
Humidity First and mutherfucking foremost can we talk about the humidity in NYC? WTF? I spent 3 days in NYC last week and that shit was miserable. I’m talking 90% humidity. No shit. No exaggeration. Shit was so thick it felt like a midget was strapped to my back breathing hot and heavy down my neck the entire time I was there. Fools were walking around cross-eyed and drippy. Everywhere you looked fools had those big ass sweat marks from the back of they necks to the middle of they backs. Females were walking around with big raccoon eyes cause mascara was just falling off their wet eyelashes. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone while they are sweating like a mad man? It’s next to impossible not to focus on the droplets of sweat that are dripping off of chins, noses, sideburns and dropping directly into the rum and coke in that very person’s hand. The only thing that made it better was cold, cold beer and the fact that everyone was unifed in misery. It’s basically the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed. I vow never to visit NYC in that sort of weather again.
Puss n’ Boots I’ve been looking for an image to tag here so you all can see what the fuck I’m talking about. However I have had no such luck. That’s what I get for traveling without a camera. Anyhoo all the bitches in the Lower East Side are rocking the same ridiculous look right now. I call it Puss n’ Boots - the look consists of a pair of ghetto ass homemade short shorts and some sort of boots. It can be paired with a tunic top or just a plain ol’ raggedy t-shirt and the boots vary from cowboy boots to ankle boots to those slouchy-on-purpose boots to the I’ve-been-workin-on-the-rail-road boots. As long as they are ugly boots you are totally in. I kid you not when I say I saw about 25 chicks a day rocking exactly the same look. It’s like the new fucking LES female uniform. They must be issuing them shits upon lease signage in that neighboorhood. The other ill part is that these hoes are rolling up them shorts too. Like the cut-off or the already short short is not good enough they put ulgy ass rolls on them - it’s like so 80s steez. So basically you look like you are rocking around town with no damn pants on - hence the name Puss n’ Boots.
Here’s a pic of Kate Moss - this is the closest I could find to the look I am describing. Just make her less attractive, greasier, a terrible homemade looking haircut pulled up in some lame semblance of a bun and throw a dumb graphic on her T that reads some bullshit like “Everyone Loves A Jew Girl” or a faded and torn up Ramones shirt and you will have the vision I am after.

Wack MCs and Displaced B-Boys Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t afraid of some cutty ass hip-hop shows. I may be older and less likely to get in the thick of a cypher and support my peeps but I’ll still roll out and see what’s good as the kids say. Honestly tho, I would be amiss if I did not point out some of the retardation that goes down these days. Fools just don’t know how to rap. For real. I mean out of 9 “rappers” at a cutty ass show I guarantee there will be only one, maybe two fools that can actually rap, with skill. The rest of them are either gurped out of control and think they Nas just cause they have on the beanie with the brim and a camo coat or have their backpacks on so tight it is cutting off air supply to their brains thus causing them to think they are the next Slug or Brother Ali.
A few words of advise to MCs who think they tight - Just cause your girl “Jenny” or “Melissa” goes “OOOOOhhhhh snaaaaaaaaaaaaap” when you rhyme “slurred” with “concurred” don’t make your game tight.
On a related note the only thing more pathetic than a floundering MC is a displaced B-Boy. I could write pages upon pages about how B-Boying should stop but for now I will stay focused - some venues are just NOT for busting your sweet moves. I mean seriously tho, you just spent $50 bucks on that new True hoodie and $200 on them Evisu jeans and now you are spinnin’ your ass around on the floor of the Arrow Bar? Come on now - I hope you got a Tide Pen or some Oxyclean pads in your Scion cause that shit ain’t coming out. Have you ever been to the Arrow Bar on a Friday night? Shit is foul as fuck - why do you think it smells like that in there all the time? Shit’s on 6th and Mission man - be real. I don’t even like the fact that my shoes touch the ground in there let alone put my face two inches from the floor on purpose. Kids these days. Shessh.
Regrets of the week -
This week Funkybitch hates on herself for being a pussy and leaving NYC a day before David Banner’s big ass Katrina Relief show at BB King’s (it went down last night). I bet that shit was tiiight. DAMN.
Funkybitch also hates herself because evidently Tara Reid was rocking out in a Duane Read this weekend, just blocks from where I was. I’m crushed that I did not to run into her. Make sure to click the link - you can see how the humidity was melting the gop off her face - OR she may have been wasted, who knows. I really need to get a homing device implanted on Miss Reid so I can finally get my hands on her. What I would do to have just a few minutes alone to let her know how much she inspires me. I’m fairly confident if I had just 30 minutes I could get her blasted on Irish Car Bombs and make her my new best friend. Then I could have the inside info on just how many beers it takes until she loses her purse and or her shirt.
September 20th, 2005 at 6:20 pm
i went to arrow on friday and had to leave because of the stupid spinners. how come i didn’t see you there? maybe it was two weeks ago.
you’ve been hanging out with too many negroes, you’re picking up the language. don’t make me iron out your fro.
heat = hate
September 20th, 2005 at 6:31 pm
a(fucking) men
and about that carbomb…i can make things happen….
September 21st, 2005 at 7:34 am
I spent the entire summer in this humidity… and now I cna’t wait for the fucking snow.
Why the shit didn’t you call me when you were in NYC? That plains sucks.
September 21st, 2005 at 9:28 am
merks - i was at arrow the day before yesterday on a monday of all days? who am i? isaac made fun of me for using the vernacular of the hip hop movement too - but since I was bitching about hip hop related things i figured best to speak to the people in a manner they could understand, ya heard?
heat=hate for sure.
whitney - a carbomb is a drink not an actual bomb - jeez. stop blowing shit up
spuniun - i know i am an asshole. i was seriously in ny for like 72 of the zaniest hours of my life. i didn’t even get to wander around aimlessly at all. i had all this work shit to do so it was a wrap in terms of seeing folks. blarg.
September 22nd, 2005 at 3:06 am
yeah, well talk like the vato pollack you are, think dead mexican pope.
September 22nd, 2005 at 11:19 am
dead mexican pope…..im going to sit on that one and see if i can’t get it manifested.
September 23rd, 2005 at 9:36 am
4 toes beyond the stream lies the Turkish Knight. He will leave the tortoise next to the alter. Pay the priest three virgin males (underage of course), and he will allow the goat farting to begin. Drink in the richness and don’t exploit the Malaysian cock-fights, gay people need love too. Mazel Tov, Thuggy-G
September 23rd, 2005 at 10:19 am
Like wow. Like hella wow.
Im fucking speachless.
Goat Farting. Turkish Knight. Virgin underaged males. Malaysian cock-fights.
Good to know I can always count on LoForti for some obnoxious comments.
September 23rd, 2005 at 2:04 pm
yea- fuck those youngass fools rappin and spinnin all over the place. tara reid just started rappin and spinnin too, cause she loves this new hip-hop shit thats the new “IN” thing. fuck that bitch.
September 23rd, 2005 at 8:24 pm
I’m soo not cool. What does “gurped out” mean?
And, is that a zit on Tara’s forehead or a freaky mole? Either way, awesome.
September 23rd, 2005 at 8:24 pm
oh, and, what is a “B-Boy”?
September 26th, 2005 at 10:32 am
wendy -
to ” gurp ” is to drink or get drunk…therefore being “gurped out” is to be very, very drunk - similar to “fucked up” or “blacked out” don’t worry about coolness - gurped is regional vernacular from northern california specifically used between vacaville, chico and the Bay Area.
a b-boy is a male breakdancer. you will remember them from the late 80s -seen twirling about on street corners and the like ontop of cardboard or pieces of lineolium.
wiggaplease - yes and so forth.
September 28th, 2005 at 1:49 pm
i saw the stupid puss in boots thing here in toronto this afternoon. it’s soooooo gaaaaaaaaaay.
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:33 pm
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