LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT’S HATER TUESDAY!
Bad Service- Here’s the thing…If I make a reservation for dinner and then proceed to spend like $600, I expect some stellar mutherfucking service. There is nothing worse than an eating establishment that thinks it’s fancy but really isn’t there yet…sorta like putting on a pair of mom’s heels and then shuffling about because they’re too big and you don’t know how to walk in them.
Waiting tables is hard work. I know this. However there are some basic things you should know if you want the big tips. Here is a list of things you should know:
1. The difference between a white wine glass, a red wine glass and a water glass. Yes there should be three and they are all different sizes. Dammit.
2. How to facilitate ordering in an efficient and helpful manner, especially if you are serving a group larger than 4.
3. How to describe the food. Repeating the menu description does not a description make. Give me some insight, some further descriptive elements please.
4. If your diners have been waiting to be seated upwards of 45 minutes even with a reservation - it’s your job to make sure they are happy and adjusted. Bring a free app, offer a dessert…something.
5. Don’t stare from the waiter’s station in hopes of making the diners eat faster - it’s not their fault they were seated late. See #4 and talk to your hostess for fucks sake. If anything you should be falling all over them - in attempts to sell another bottle of that $125 Chardonnay they already drank 2 bottles of while waiting for the fucking entrees.
Labor Day Weekend - Long weekends making me drink too much. They make me think that I don’t have responsibilities and that I am free wheeling rebel who need not bother with things like moderation. I need to get back to the no time off - working lots of hours mentality.
Kanye West - Don’t believe the hype. Late Registration gets the penis. It’s full of itself and highly overrated. Collabos with Maroon 5? Come on now.
Skits - There are too many skits on hip-hop albums these days. Skits are lame filler. The fuck up the flow of the album no matter how well thought out they are. Don’t even try to give me the whole, “What about De La Soul is Dead” argument either. I will crush you. Sure the skits were cute the first time…but seriously when you are listening to that album now don’t you just skip past that shit? Or better yet don’t you just have to delete those bitches from the iTunes playlist before you iPodify? I think you see my point. If you don’t you are wrong and it doesn’t matter.
Burning Man - I both love and hate Burning Man. I love it because it gets all the hippies, art fags and freaks out of my neighborhood and city for at least a week. I can actually get a drink at the bar, ride the bus and buy stuff at Trader Joe’s without waiting in a mammoth line. I hate it because it deprives me of things I need, like coffee. My freaking coffee shop has been closed for-ev-er because the hippy who owns it went to Burning Man. There is actually a sign that reads, “Gone to Black Rock City” or some bullshit. Burning Man is over and I still have to buy coffee from Starbucks ….I want my fresh coffee back and I don’t want to hear or see anything about the “playa” while your doing it. The only thing worse than Burning Man are the onslaught of “magical” experiences, “incredible pieces” and other tales from the “playa” that are regurgitated left and right.
Wash the dust off your bike and shut the fuck up, if I cared what happened I would have gone. I’d like room for cream please. Thanks.
P.S. It can’t be the fucking “playa” if there is no goddamned ocean near by. “playa” means beach in spanish, not dust or sand or even desert. If you want to call it “sand” you should be saying “arena” if you want to say desert than say “desierto”…not fucking playa.
P.P.S If anyone within an earshot says some stupid shit like, “I’ve got playa all over my car” I reserve the right to punch you in the gullet. Hard.
September 6th, 2005 at 3:32 pm
YES!
September 6th, 2005 at 4:02 pm
Dude, $600 for food? You should be hatin’ that!
September 6th, 2005 at 4:03 pm
I guess that’s the ultimate definition of being a “playa hata.”
September 6th, 2005 at 4:15 pm
With this long weekend, I forgot it was a hate day. Thanks for the reminder.
September 6th, 2005 at 4:21 pm
yeah,
what the fuck — what are you . insane? $600 bucks could by a whole family of thai hookers for four months.
stick with the barbeques, expensive restaurants are for dickknobs.
September 6th, 2005 at 4:47 pm
wendy and merkley - i should probably mention that I did not actually pay $600 bucks for the food…it was paid for by the bidness folks that took us to dinner. i will never dive that deep in my pockets for food that is not served on the naked body of dave grohl.
kennedy - good to see i can count on you for a great pun.
poppy - never fucking forget tuesday.
September 6th, 2005 at 6:22 pm
oh, now see, naked Grohl food, I would pay big big bucks for that…who wants the weenie?
September 7th, 2005 at 6:09 am
Not to be the whiney hippy bitch, but it’s been called the ‘playa’ since the Mexican settlers of the 1800s were in the area because it’s an ancient dried up lake.
And I still have ‘playa’ all over my messenger bag from being at BRC… like 3 years ago?
I was pining all week last week cause I wasn’t there. But we burning our own man on Saturday night cause my friends felt my pain.
And I will be in SF over the xmas holiday so you can punch me in the gullet then LPo.
September 7th, 2005 at 9:47 am
spuniun - while i appreciate your attempt to qualify the usage of the word “playa” you are still wrong…a lake is no ocean….it’s a lake. i’ll leave it at that….and you better believe that i will be punching you in the gullet, hard, when you are here. i miss you petey.
September 7th, 2005 at 9:48 am
wendy - ill booby box you for the weenie. but first we will have to take down that hot model looking wife of his.
September 7th, 2005 at 10:41 am
deal, booby boxing it is. And together we can take that biatch!
September 7th, 2005 at 10:46 am
What I’m trying to say is the Mexicans named it… so it’s their fault.
September 7th, 2005 at 1:27 pm
spuniun - i want proof of these “mexicans” that named it. also if burning man hippies are the ones who are claiming that’s the history they “uncovered” i call bullshit. if you remember i DO have a degree in Latin American history with a focus on mexican history specifically pre-columbian to the early 1900s and I don’t member nothing about no damned dried up lake being called the playa. also most mexicans went where they could farm and shit since the core of mexico was being all taken over and shit.
wendy - we can totally take that bitch…she is tiny…but we have to watch out backs. sometimes the little ones are scrappy.
September 7th, 2005 at 2:57 pm
fffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
burning man…. pvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
September 8th, 2005 at 10:12 am
fuck burning man. goddamn part-time neo-millennial hippies. taking psychotropic narcotics and dancing around to shitty music that no one else gets — same shit different decade. Oooo…who’s the fucking lizard king now, bitches?!
viva hate!
September 8th, 2005 at 1:30 pm
mexicans
they’re only good for lowriders, the best food on the planet, music that sounds like it’s made out of farts and stealing bikes.
oh, and piñatas
don’t hate tha playa, hate the game holmes.
September 9th, 2005 at 10:50 am
dude, merkley, you forgot some of the most important things mexicans are good for
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