Hater Tuesday

Rev Run and his dumb ass cape: That’s right I said it…Rev Run wears a dumb ass cape. Don’t try and pretend like you didn’t notice. He’s been rocking that shit for a while now and still no one has mentioned to him how fucking ridiculous that shit is. I mean yeah, sure he’s a part of RUN DMC, founders of hip hop, blah, blah, blah - but that does not make it okay to rock a cape on the regular. Is it because he’s a reverend now? Last time I checked being down with Jesus didn’t allow for cape abuse either. My coworker says that maybe no one says anything because they don’t want to get on Russell’s bad side. I disagree - I mean what’s Russell gonna do? Dude has a lisp and is short. Is he gonna sic Kimora on me? I can take that bitch - bring it on. I’ll smash all over her and those dumb ass Faberge eggs. When I’m through with her she will be crying herself to sleep on that fancy ass Versace Daybed she calls a couch. I’m ready to do my part to free Run from that damn cape. Dracula looking mutherfucker.

Audioslave and the suckitude: Here’s the thing - Audioslave, not a good band. In fact, I am going to call them out as being the most boring live rock band ever. Ever. Don’t even try to defend them. Tom Morelo is a fucking tool - he jerks around on stage like the Baby Jesus is talking via his fingers and his axe. Someone needs to remind him that we know he is bald and that he rocks moderately as opposed to majorly. You know who does rock though? Matt Fucking Pike. Tom Morelo should lay that tired guitar down until he learns how to blow snot rockets on stage and sweat like a banshee all while melting my face with his stellar licks.

Hip Hop in ‘05 - It seems like people are finally coming out of their Louis Vuitton induced haze and recognizing that Funkybitch is right - Kanye is wack (recent on the mark political comments aside) and should stop rapping now. Let’s hope ‘06 brings some heat back to the table…I need some more mutherfucking slappers up in this bootch or I’m going all metal in ‘06 bro!

The Love Parade - Some assholes got together and decided San Francisco needed yet another street festival in my neighborhood. This time we needed something for the disenfranchised and misunderstood raver kids. I mean no one has good raves anymore man. Ravers coupled with Burning Man rejects looking for a fix of that ug-ug-ug-ug-ug-ug-seoooooshhh-ug-ug-ug sounds and a place to wear all those plastic beads and furry pants still covered in dust from the desert were all over my fucking hood this weekend. Lucky for me I was out of town. Double lucky for me my homies Big Max and Thug E Fresh were not. They dispatched themselves on some on-the-scene-hater-reporting. Please do yourselves a favor and peep the reports with video and stills. Shit is ridonckulous.

Player of the Week:

Player of the week goes to the author of this sign. This is an actual sign that is posted currently in the men’s room of my office building. Enjoy.
No I didn’t go in the men’s room asshole, I work with a man…remember? Geez.

Humidity First and mutherfucking foremost can we talk about the humidity in NYC? WTF? I spent 3 days in NYC last week and that shit was miserable. I’m talking 90% humidity. No shit. No exaggeration. Shit was so thick it felt like a midget was strapped to my back breathing hot and heavy down my neck the entire time I was there. Fools were walking around cross-eyed and drippy. Everywhere you looked fools had those big ass sweat marks from the back of they necks to the middle of they backs. Females were walking around with big raccoon eyes cause mascara was just falling off their wet eyelashes. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone while they are sweating like a mad man? It’s next to impossible not to focus on the droplets of sweat that are dripping off of chins, noses, sideburns and dropping directly into the rum and coke in that very person’s hand. The only thing that made it better was cold, cold beer and the fact that everyone was unifed in misery. It’s basically the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed. I vow never to visit NYC in that sort of weather again.

Puss n’ Boots I’ve been looking for an image to tag here so you all can see what the fuck I’m talking about. However I have had no such luck. That’s what I get for traveling without a camera. Anyhoo all the bitches in the Lower East Side are rocking the same ridiculous look right now. I call it Puss n’ Boots - the look consists of a pair of ghetto ass homemade short shorts and some sort of boots. It can be paired with a tunic top or just a plain ol’ raggedy t-shirt and the boots vary from cowboy boots to ankle boots to those slouchy-on-purpose boots to the I’ve-been-workin-on-the-rail-road boots. As long as they are ugly boots you are totally in. I kid you not when I say I saw about 25 chicks a day rocking exactly the same look. It’s like the new fucking LES female uniform. They must be issuing them shits upon lease signage in that neighboorhood. The other ill part is that these hoes are rolling up them shorts too. Like the cut-off or the already short short is not good enough they put ulgy ass rolls on them - it’s like so 80s steez. So basically you look like you are rocking around town with no damn pants on - hence the name Puss n’ Boots.
Here’s a pic of Kate Moss - this is the closest I could find to the look I am describing. Just make her less attractive, greasier, a terrible homemade looking haircut pulled up in some lame semblance of a bun and throw a dumb graphic on her T that reads some bullshit like “Everyone Loves A Jew Girl” or a faded and torn up Ramones shirt and you will have the vision I am after.

Wack MCs and Displaced B-Boys Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t afraid of some cutty ass hip-hop shows. I may be older and less likely to get in the thick of a cypher and support my peeps but I’ll still roll out and see what’s good as the kids say. Honestly tho, I would be amiss if I did not point out some of the retardation that goes down these days. Fools just don’t know how to rap. For real. I mean out of 9 “rappers” at a cutty ass show I guarantee there will be only one, maybe two fools that can actually rap, with skill. The rest of them are either gurped out of control and think they Nas just cause they have on the beanie with the brim and a camo coat or have their backpacks on so tight it is cutting off air supply to their brains thus causing them to think they are the next Slug or Brother Ali.
A few words of advise to MCs who think they tight - Just cause your girl “Jenny” or “Melissa” goes “OOOOOhhhhh snaaaaaaaaaaaaap” when you rhyme “slurred” with “concurred” don’t make your game tight.

On a related note the only thing more pathetic than a floundering MC is a displaced B-Boy. I could write pages upon pages about how B-Boying should stop but for now I will stay focused - some venues are just NOT for busting your sweet moves. I mean seriously tho, you just spent $50 bucks on that new True hoodie and $200 on them Evisu jeans and now you are spinnin’ your ass around on the floor of the Arrow Bar? Come on now - I hope you got a Tide Pen or some Oxyclean pads in your Scion cause that shit ain’t coming out. Have you ever been to the Arrow Bar on a Friday night? Shit is foul as fuck - why do you think it smells like that in there all the time? Shit’s on 6th and Mission man - be real. I don’t even like the fact that my shoes touch the ground in there let alone put my face two inches from the floor on purpose. Kids these days. Shessh.

Regrets of the week -

This week Funkybitch hates on herself for being a pussy and leaving NYC a day before David Banner’s big ass Katrina Relief show at BB King’s (it went down last night). I bet that shit was tiiight. DAMN.

Funkybitch also hates herself because evidently Tara Reid was rocking out in a Duane Read this weekend, just blocks from where I was. I’m crushed that I did not to run into her. Make sure to click the link - you can see how the humidity was melting the gop off her face - OR she may have been wasted, who knows. I really need to get a homing device implanted on Miss Reid so I can finally get my hands on her. What I would do to have just a few minutes alone to let her know how much she inspires me. I’m fairly confident if I had just 30 minutes I could get her blasted on Irish Car Bombs and make her my new best friend. Then I could have the inside info on just how many beers it takes until she loses her purse and or her shirt.

Britney had her baby….At 9am this morning Brit Brit looked down at her feet and noticed a pool of Red Bull and Cheeto dust. She immediately called KFeds and took off for the hospital where they cut her open and took that kid out. Britney heard that Posh Spice got cut open too that way she can “keep it tight, keep it right” and be a true MILF.

She is supposed to be naming that kid something retarded like Preston Jackson Tina Ike Spears Federline — which seems like a waste of names. You know that fool is just gonna end up being called Jeb or something.

Anyhoo - I can’t wait for some crappy in hospital photos to surgace. And post - pardum depression to set in - that shit is gonna rule. Hard.