Hater Tuesday

High School Reunions: This past weekend I attended my 10 year high school reunion. My childhood best friend and I went to go and check out the obvious - fat cheerleaders, meat-heads who never made the NFL draft and now work at Enterprise Rent-a-Car, math dorks who are now super hot and rich, basically we were totally after the whole Romi and Michelle fantasy. Well that shit was bunk, like super fucking tired. I graduated in a class of at least 300 and there were only about 80 people there at most. Of those 80, I knew 2. There weren’t even any fat cheerleaders I could make fun of. Nothing. I got taken for $95 dollars and was left with absolutely nothing to hate on except for the fact that I got fucking taken for a lot of bread. If you get an invite to a class reunion planned and executed by “High Class Reunions” don’t go. Don’t even think about it. I ended up drunk as a skunk singing Karoke in Japantown instead of making out with stoner ex-boyfriends and spilling my drinks on bitches named Jenny.

Anothy Kedis’ Bangs:

Really, Anthony, I mean come on….This is the best you can do? I mean I know you are a rock star and you can do what you want but this shit is not ok. Not okay at all. Granted you are still pretty hot - but you are rapidly morphing into Iggy Pop. Let’s lose those bangs - then we can talk about your tribal tats….P.S. How bout that Rick Rubin? Dang.

Guest Hate from my pal Dave White aka DJ Mrs White In The Library aka Awesome LA Writer Man who has a book coming out called - Exile In Guyville -How a Punk Rock Redneck Faggot Texan Moved to West Hollywood and Refused to Be Shiny and Happy Yes that IS the title! Anyhoo, Dave wrote some very important hate filled thoughts in regards to the new bullshitty Gap Jeans campaign - which is wack if you didn’t know. Here are Dave’s thoughts, I hope they touch you as they did me:

“I bought the 800-page September Vogue last night and pulled out the fragrance strips so my hubby wouldn’t get all headachey and pulled out the subscription cards so I wouldn’t get all headachey myself. And then I yanked out the weird little GAP insert advertising their limited edition CD sold only at GAP with eight cover songs by eight people (”Our favorite artists, their favorite songs.”)

Here they are:

Alanis Morrisette - “Crazy” by Seal
Joss Stone - “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys
John Legend - “Hello, It’s me” by the Isley Brothers
Michelle Williams (from Destiny’s Child) - “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green
Jason Mraz - “One Love” by Bob Marley
Keith Urban - “Most People I Know Think That I’m Crazy” by Billy Thorpe
Liz Phair - “Cheek to Cheek” by Irving Berlin
Brandon Boyd (from Incubus) - “Alison” by Elvis Costello

Why they gotta lie about these people being their “favorites?” They were “gets” and that’s all. And with the possible exception of John Legend I’d sooner eat broken glass than listen to any of it. Now if R. Kelly were on it singing “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” or 50 Cent and Common rapping the “Endless Love” duet I’d be first in line.”

I told you he was smart.

Player of the Week:

Johnny Knoxville
Check out Knoxville’s choice of babes…I thought calloused knees were a whore-myth….evidently that shit is real…check out this whore’s knees. I guess she’s really worked them out.

I fucking hope you watched the VMAs or at the very least you tuned in just in time to watch RKelly perform his one man show - yes a one man show. He acted out all the parts of the Trapped In The Closet saga AND he added Chapter 6. Chapter 6 is actually more like chapter 3.5 - it takes up after Sylvester leaves Kathy, Rufus and Chuck to go see his “sunshine” and get a leg cramp.

We learn this
- Rufus and Chuck is totally in love.
- Kathy ain’t havin’ it.
- RKelly knows how to mock a wicked fake gay hair flip and talk to the hand combo
- It is possible to create an even more confusing chapter simply by not using pronouns. There is one part of the song that I’, pretty sure there is one portion of the song that just says, “Rufus says Chuck, Chuck says Rufus, Rufus says Kathy, Kathy says Chuck says Kathy, now Rufus say Chuck” for about 45 seconds.
- With stage make-up RKels looks startlingly like the Japanese doll version of himself.
- RKels has a man-on-man kiss with himself.
- RKels might be a big ol’ underground friend of dorothy - I’m convinced
- RKels lets us all down by sending Rufus back to his wife and leaving Chuck broken hearted.

Some other things -

- Diddy referred to Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as the Jay Z and Beyonce of Rock….UH, WHAT? Really?
- Diddy had a montage of himself. Pfvvvvt.
- Kelly Clarkson needs a new stylist BAD. REAL BAD…Can we get her some shoes and keep her out of the waterfalls next time?
- Shakira’s mid-section is mystifying.
- Alejandro Sanz….please don’t bleach again. Ever.
- Kanye and Jamie Foxx’s performance was the most egotistical display ever. Jamie Foxx also needs to learn how to stay clothed while on stage performing….PS. You ARE NOT Ray Charles. Jeeez.
- Hilary Duff is a giant rectangle - The Superficial is right.
- Who invited Eric Roberts…and WHY?
- Missy and Ciara - I’m saying Missy is hitting that shit…fa reals. I can tell.
- Who let Eva Longoria wear a stupid bathing suit - Her crotch is hungry - it’s eating her pants -err, bathing suit.

*Totally unrelated but can we please talk about a fake dready Julia Roberts in the new Dave Matthews Band video? I am officially the opposite of their demographic.

1. Cancer - Be it in dogs or people. The Cancer is bad and it takes away friends.

2. Houseboat Toilets - Have you ever seen one of these? It’s weird and gross. It’s like a regular toilet but with no water. You do your dirty work, then you press the lever with your foot and this disinfectant/water combo swirls around and goes down the pseudo drain. It’s not that effective. Did I mention it’s gross?

3. DPT - The Department of Parking and Traffic can eat a big ol’ dick. You keep trying to get me…but I’m too fast….TOO FAST I SAY!

4. This Outfit - Let’s hope the Fug Girls are up on this one - It’s a doozy! Is this bitch on safari?

5. Hillary Duff - Stop singing now. Seriously. Now. Stop it. P.S. We know it’s you in that black wig….I hate to say it but Ashlee totally played that shit out already - even she’s realized that blonde is better (for her at least). P.P.S Those chompers are TOOMFC** - poor Joel Madden or is it Benji? I can’t tell the difference and Good Charolette blows anyhoo, so who cares.

6. What do you get when you mix one part Lesbian, one part hippy, one part “These Boots Are Made For Walking” video, one part failed American Idolism and a Le Sport Sac? Give up? Well you get this. Careful there are some things you just can’t unsee*

7. No Comments - I hate when there are no comments. I mean not everyone has the time or the energy lord knows this…but by all means say something even if it’s just “Dude I just spit milk out of my nose when I saw Lohan 2.0’s wack ass dress…that bitch needs some sun” or what have you. I do this for the people…oh wait, no I don’t. I do it because I am a hate filled bitch and I have to get it out.

8. Everyone finally realizing that Tara Reid is a drunken whore. For a while there it was just she and I. She was my favorite person to hate on. We developed a relationship based on her wastedness and my attention to detail. Now almost 2-3 years later the world has come to focus thier eyes on my little Tara. She even has her show Taradise….so I think sadly - I may have to retire her…it’s just too hard to be the first one to hate on her. I’m almost misty eyed. Here are some gooduns before I let her go. Fly, Tara, Fly….

Galoshes? Really? Wow - I didn’t think we could do that.

Is it me or is this pregnant lady holding a cigarette? Or maybe she’s just large and in charge? Either way, you gatta love Europeans, they just don’t give a fuck.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
The word schadenfreude

schadenfreude \SHOD-n-froy-duh\, noun:
A malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of
others.

Seriously people I couldn’t make up a bitchin’ word like that even if I tried. This one may kick “louche” to the back of the class for a while. I think I may compose an entire Hater Tuesday special edition based on that word.

*the wise words of my brother
**Totally Out Of Muther Fucking Control