Hater Tuesday

The White Edition -

Joss Stone - Gap White Jeans Campaign - “EEEEEhhhheeeeeewwwwwww-eeeeeeeehooooohooooooooo-AAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhooooooo-wwwwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhh -The niiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhwwwwiiiighhhht tiiiiioooome, is the riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhht tiiiiooooooome” You’ve all heard it. You’ve all seen it. Why is it still happening? Joss sounds like someone is squeezing her into the smallest jeans ever while she sings this song. Her voice is too big and over worked - she needs to stop listening to Mary White, Beyonce and Aretha right now. I’d prefer if she sang in a whispy summery voice that would go more with white jeans. Instead she sings as if she is pushing out the biggest shit of her life into those tight white jeans. Also as ’s hubby pointed out this weekend - “I have no problem with watching asses wriggle around in white jeans. In fact, I enjoy it, but what I do not enjoy is being tricked into watching under 18 year old asses in white jeans wiggle and writhe. That’s not fair” Well said my friend, well said.

iPods Let me preface this by saying I love my iPod. When we first got together I was so sprung. We were inseparable. I couldn’t think about leaving the house with out him. We’ve been together now for 2 years, this Christmas will be our 3rd anniversary. But, things have been different lately. He only wants to play for like an hour and then he goes to sleep without telling me. He is showing decreased interest in our relationship, sometimes shutting down completely and not coming back on for hours. I did some research and it turns out he never intended to be with me forever - he is only capable of being totally committed for a year. I suppose I am lucky he has stayed with me this long, but I mean, why should I have to pay to continue our relationship? A hundred bucks? Just to get my battery changed? Are you fucking kidding me? You can take your white ear buds and shove them up your ass Steve Jobs. I’m pissed. That little machine cost my mom like $400 bucks and just 2 years later I have to shell out another $100 bucks to keep this thing bumpin? Fuckers.

Cameron Diaz in Trippin’ I watched this show for the first time last night. Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake,Jimmy Fallon and Talib Kweli were “Trippin” in Tanzania, Africa. All I could think while watching was, “Poor Talib Kweli” there he was, stuck in the Serengeti with three of the whitest people ever. (Don’t get me wrong, I love white people. Some of my best friends are white people. Heck, my dad is a white person.) They are driving around, riding in hot air balloons and visiting places like Gong Rock - where ancient African civilizations from the area used to gather and make acoustic music using just this big hollow rock thing. When you pound it with other rocks it makes a wide variety of tones that are used to harmonize with voices and shit. Pretty dope actually….that is until Jimmy Fallon plugs in his iPod to one of those portable speaker docking stations and starts blasting “Africa” by Toto…cause yeah, you guessed it they are in AFRICA!!! They pan quickly over to Talib Kweli’s face while Justin, Jimmy and Cameron all prance around like assholes yelling “I guess it raaaains down in Affffriicaaaaaaaaah” the look on his face was priceless. You could physically see him straining not to roll his eyes or make the “pffvvvtttt fucking white people” face. I wish he would have.
****Oh and don’t try to comment with some bullshit about how Cameron Diaz is of Latin decent. Sure her Dad is Cuban, but she has done little to nothing to support her Cuban heritage other than acknowledge that her Dad is in fact Cuban and that is why she is on the 100 Hottest Latinas or whatever. Bitch is white. JT is more Latina than she is.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

JESSICA SIMPSON

Hay baby, do you. Just do you. Don’t you worry about what nobody says about nuthin’. You’re the star in that relationship, we all know this. We know that Nick is hot and like totally supportive but he can’t keep you down. You’re young, beautiful, white, blonde, a talented singer and now actress - spread those wings and fly girl, fly like a bird, you’ve got to fly away, you don’t know where you’re home is……you’ve got to know where you’re soul is. If I were you my soul would be in Johnny Knoxville’s pants too…but not Fred Durst’s pants, cause his pants are dirty and his cock is small.

tuned into upn last night at 9:15 a little upset with myself for forgetting that Britney and Kevin were gonna be on the TV box. fortunately, the show was even worse than i imagined and i immediately was glad that i had spared myself at least 15 minutes of unnecessary confusion.

did anyone else watch that train wreck? holy fuck was it bad. and i don’t mean in a this-is-so-bad-its-good-surreal life kind of way. it was just bad. i could literally hear britney’s record sales dropping, no falling, no careening to a halt during the one-hour program. i use the word “program” loosely. it seems as if either britney came up with the mastermind idea to tape her day-to-day life while on tour over seas and then sold the crappy footage to the highest bidder.

basically the “show” proves with out a doubt that britney is a washed up hag who fancies herself much smarter and sophisticated than she is. however, the show did affirm al of my britney theories.

1. bitch is all smoke and mirrors - she needs to work on that skin, bitch is u-g-l-y without like 5 pounds of makeup and airbrushing.
2. bitch is backwoods hick for life - totally clueless, ya’ll
3. bitch is slightly crazy and certainly diluted - her “antics” and her goofiness are very fake. i claim stupid is as stupid does. she is also surrounded by a team of people that perpetuate her clueless-ness and her warped self-perspective.
4. bitch gets freaky and wasted - virgin my ass! like any good country girl, she has been spreading since she realized she had a vagina. also she has been sippin on moonshine and doing backwoods blow for at least the last 8 years. did you see her skin?
5. funkybiznatch is right - he did it all for the nooky and the dough - once upon a time, my friend kelly and I were in Safeway. I picked up a magazine with Brit on the cover and flipped through the pages, confused, with a look of disgust on my face. I turned to kelly and said, “Okay there are only two reasons a girl would let herself go like this, drugs and dicknotization - lots of blow and a good deep dicking can make you crazy” or something like that. last night there were so many and i do mean “sooooo many” references to how many times she had sex on any given day (she boasted 3 times on one day and explained that her “glow” was the result). all she taked about was sex. she also at one point while pointing the camera at a shirtless kevin says, “lets just stay in and fuck all day”. evidently all that fucking worked out okay, now she’s knocked up and completely destroyed her career just cause of some dick. part of me wants to sleep with KFeds just to see what the big fuss is about. how is it possible that someone like Cletus, er Kevin, a burn-out from Fresno can dicknotize and knock up Hollywood bitches left and right?

Today’s hater tuesday is dedicated to everyone in hip-hop and r&b except for R. Kelly. Ya’ll are busters and can’t write songs to save your life. Until you all try to be more like R. Kelly, I will hate on you.

If this post confuses you, please listen to Trapped In The Closet Part 1. Then listen to Trapped In The Closet Part 2 - this isn’t out yet, but it willbe soon, it will all make sense to you then. Mark my words.