Hater Tuesday

Daggers in the back for –

The Pope: Yeah I know he is dead already. They are just going to replace his ass with another craggy old white guy anyway. What I hate is that I don’t even understand why we all need to be so sad about a dead old white guy anyhoo. I mean the Catholic church is waaaay fucked up -they touch boys where their bathing suits cover, the hate gays, they hate sex and booze I could go on but you get the point. Also, I am pretty convinced that they feed the Pope the blood from new born babies or the boys who have been touched and “silenced” in order to keep them alive so damn long. And what the fuck is all this hoo-ha about black smoke, white smoke and fucking bells to let everyone know that a new Pope is being discussed? I mean I can’t see the fucking smoke from the Vatican….don’t they have a publicist?

Stinky People on the Bus: You’ve smelled them, you’ve seen them, you know what I am talking about. I think there should be a bus line that only transports stinky people. See how they like being stuck on a bus full of other stinkers…maybe that will force them to hose off once in a while. Fucking stinkers.

Close Standers: So yeah, clubs are dark, crowded, hot and short on personal space but there is no excuse to stand so close to someone that the person has to consider seriously whether or not you are attempting to butt fuck dance fuck them or if it’s really just crowded where you happen to be. Last night, at a club I went to there was a guy, a very, very tall guy (like 6′7″ 6′9″) standing behind me and he kept sidling up to me so close that at one point I was like is this guy dancing with me or really just trying to get out of the way of people walking behind him. I mean he was so close I could feel his legs moving in unison with mine. I think he was butt fuck dance fucking me…but I am not sure.

Skeevy Hoes:
Hoes are everywhere. But at hip hop shows they are like a flesh eating virus. They show up in a cluster, then they pair off and move around and attempt to take over several parts of the dance floor, eventually some poor sap ends up picking at it a bit and by the end of the night they have infected the whole area.
I saw some dumb ho last night who was a walking cliche. She was white, but had created some ethnicity for herself by wearing her hair in cornrows, donning a scarf around her waist, a bindi between her eyes, excessive pairs of earrings including but not limited to a pair of doorknockers AND a pair bamboo plugs, last but certainly not least she had a cropped and cut up old t shirt so that she could show her totally awesome mid section.
Her face was an eerie ringer for Fergie of Black Eyed Peas. In fact, there were several kids that kept whispering and pointing who thought she actually was her. Anyhoo, this skeevy ho started off her ho-tastic agenda by dancing a bit too enthusiastically during Micheal Franti’s set so that she could get the attention of Mos Def. Which worked. Mos Def smiled at her and she took that as an invitation to walk up to him and pass him her phone number.
Her ho agenda continued with her dancing wildly by herself until this white girl loving young black man with dreads decided he was game. She freaked all over his ass for a while until his girlfriend or good girl friend came and collected his ass. Then Miss. Iliketodoblackguysalot moved onto dread head white girl lover number two, this time she pulled a super skanky move which was to take a hit of Mr. Lemmeputitinyerbutt’s joint and then she recycled her hit directly into his mouth. This spawned a really gross on the dance floor make out that I would have preferred not to have witnessed. Then the ho got mad cause he grabbed her breast and there was drama - mind you had her legs, both of them wrapped around his waist while they were making out, if that doesn’t say grab my tit I don’t know what does.
I left around 1 and by that time I had seen her dance with no less than 7 guys all of which she had literally climbed onto - I am talking legs wrapped around waists, freaking them like Nomi in Showgirls. Fucking hoes.

Player of the Week:

Al Gore

Al Gore our former VP and almost President was all in the club last night. Literally. He and Tipper were totally VIP chillin. There was a big media event yesterday for Gore’s new cable TV network called Current here in SF. There was a rally right in front of SBC Park two blocks from my office. They shut down the street and threw a block party, flying in Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Leonardo DiCaprio for star cred, pulling local talent like Goapalle, Micheal Franti (shoeless hippy), Sean Penn and Crown City Rockers for a big ol performance.

The rally was followed by an “afterparty” at a club called Mighty. ?uestlove was on hand spinning the jams and Mos Def & Talib did the whole Blackstar deal. Anyhoo, at one point I looked behind me and standing right behind me bobbing his head was AL GORE. AL FUCKING GORE….to his left was Tipper Gore, looking confused, scared and far less entertained than Al. They stood there for a moment before being ushered into the VIP lounge where they sipped champ and got dances from the skeevy ho I talked about above…okay so that part didnt happen….but they did chill in VIP. I have to give it up for ol Al, he was up in the club until about 12:30 giving hi fives, chatting up local rappers and generally attempting to be “down with the kids” For this he is my player of the week.

PS. Mos Def is short. Like hella short.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 5th, 2005 at 5:31 am and is filed under Hater Tuesday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.