First to be slayed:
The Grammys:
The palms have been greased, the musical integrity has been compromised and now the nominees have been announced. Yes, ladies and gentleman the musical community has spoken and according to the tone deaf members of the Recording Academy here. are the best contenders of 2004.
You could click there and read the complete list for yourself of you could just skip it and keep reading here and I’ll let you know what’s really hood….
RECORD OF THE YEAR NOMINEES:
Let’s Get It Started - The Black Eyed Peas
Here We Go Again - Ray Charles and Norah Jones
American Idiot - Green Day
Heaven - Los Lonely Boys
Yeah - Usher
Black Eyed Peas?? Are you fucking kidding me? You seriously want to give a Grammy to these assholes?
I mean come on now…look at these fucking tools? Let’s Get It Started isn’t even the original song…the original song was Let’s Get Retarded, but they changed it because they were getting flack from Retard Advocacy groups and also their label was offered multiple licensing opportunities ( NBA Playoffs, HELLO ) if the hook was “Let’s Get It Started” as opposed to “Retarded”. The label then re-released the album with the new version of the song so that consumers would be able to recognize and purchase the song they were brainwashed into rocking out to during the playoffs and Pepsi commercials. Now don’t get me wrong…I have no issues with licensing music. In fact, I think it is an incredible way to gain exposure and income, my problem is with the re configuring of complete compositions as well as the repackaging and marketing of albums in order to capitalize on placement. But I am getting off point, the issue at hand is that this song sucks and that BEP sucks. Also, this is strike two in the sell out nature of BEP…one of the main reasons i hate them is because of this bitch:
In this picture I hear her singing “I use my vaaaaaginaaaah….to sell my reeeeeecoooords ahhhhhh….”
I guess the rest of the nominees are alright but they are all pretty generic and very consistent with the Grammy formula for choosing nominees each year…which is:
- Palatable and non offensive fun time group with urban vibe
- Recently deceased legend
- Hard Rock / Punk / Metal Band
- Ethnic Sounding Band that makes white people feel cultured
- Megalomaniac Pop Star
**also the wild card can be the hot new artist of the year…in years past examples would be Beyonce, Norah Jones, Alicia Keys, ect….
So as you can see they are dead on…except they really came through and doubled up on the wild card and number two in their formula
BEST FEMALE POP PERFORMANCE
Oceania - Björk
The First Cut Is The Deepest - Sheryl Crow
Sunrise - Norah Jones
What You Waiting For? - Gwen Stefani
You Had Me - Joss Stone
The only reason that Bjork gets nominated is because everyone wants to see what she is going to wear…no one is gonna give her a Grammy…poor girl. Sheryl Crow…so what your BF only has one testicle and won the Tour De France like a million times, you still can’t sing and fucking up one of the best songs ever already performed perfectly by Rod Stewart does not mean you should get a Grammy. Norah Jones, yeah, yeah, you can sing, we get it…your totally timid and have a lovely voice…but you won like a million times already. What You Waiting For Gwen,how about how this song has been out for like 10 minutes and you are already nominated for a Grammy…now I love you, you know that. But you also know that you don’t really like this song and you also know that this is not your best vocal performance…this is just a ploy to boost Linda Perry’s already bulging ego and your label’s attempt at boosting Christmas record sales, you know they greased some palms right? Sorry to break it to you Gwen. Joss Who? Yeah, right. I could give two shits that you are a 18 year old white girl from London who sings soul classics ( i liked it better when it was movie called The Commitments)…try writing your own material and get off Mary Wright’s nuts already…shiiit.
BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY DUO OR GROUP
Monkey To Man - Elvis Costello & The Imposters
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
American Idiot - Green Day
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Vertigo - U2
Ahahhahaha HAHAHAHAHHAAH…..that’s right Indie Rock Faggots…your precious Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, Modest Mouse and Wilco are all nominated for various rock associated Grammies…you know what that means? YOU LIKE POP MUSIC….Bwooahahahhahahaha, bwooahhahahahaah…..Hate to break it to you but kids in Nebraska are flocking to Best Buys, Wal Marts and Targets to pick up all your precious indie music. And guess what it is going to keep happening….so tighten up that white belt get used to it. Faggot.
I could go on and on about the Grammys but then I would never have time to get to any of these:
No this is not Liberace…he wishes. But it is terribly, terribly funny. No comments needed.
Make sure you click and enlarge….otherwise you will not see how her pants are eating her vagina and how she is one of the most annoying dressers ever…also I am pretty sure there is a stick up her ass keeping her in that position..but seriously, Ryan Star, your vagina called and it wants some air..
This picture exemplifies a theory I have been working on….that theory is that everyone in Hollywood is either a drag queen or a junkie.
Um, Okay seriously…is that a fucking Steal Your Face on her dress? Are those fucking rainbow dancing dead bears? WTF? Grateful Dead couture? Once upon a time I was a card carrying Grateful Dead loving hippy. Yes, its true. I am not going to lie. I have the pictures to prove it. During that time I did a lot of sewing…mainly because that is what you are supposed to do and also because deep down I wanted to go to fashion school but I was too much of a hippy to do it. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk barefoot around NYC or something ridiculous…but I had an idea then to make upscale hippy garb to sell to all the Yippies that frequented Dead shows on weekends and vacations. Some genius has stolen my idea and evidently sold it to the most richest of annoying bitches Paris Hilton…another one of my million dollar ideas wasted away on someone other than me.
P.S When someone says, “Um I would like a Smoked Turkey Panini but can you make it fresh because I am allergic to tomatoes” you should probably make it without tomatoes otherwise a certain someone who frequents a certain deli may return the following day and completely blow her stack and or write about you on her website and say something to the effect of “GODDAMMIT I SAID NO FUCKING TOMATOES YOU SHIT BAG!” Fucking incompetent Whole Foods deli workers….shiiiit.
funkybitch | 
12 14th, 2004| 
