VMA’s….a waste of time? Yes.
Ah the VMA’s, the most useless award show ever. Yet, every year for the last oh 15 years I have wasted 3 hours of my life watching the members of the popular music community strut their stuff in the name of music. Why do I watch them if I know they are crap? Because, it is full of celeb fodder and gives me three hours+ of unadulterated hating.
I have yet to see a full report with comments on the VMA’s yet this morning so I am foregoing my morning routine at work in order to report on all the happenings.
This year the event was in Miami, durrr, so all the celebs showed up on excessive yachts and dressed in white.
The entire production was really, really bad. There were multiple missed audio cues, dead mics, house sound cutting in and out mid performance and the editing was horrid. The whole show looked as if it was being directed and shot entirely by an all ADD crew. Those handheld camera men could not frame a shot if their lives depended upon it. Even worse was the director’s inability to direct his shots in a manner that made sense. I could almost hear the chaos going on in the production room as the shots changed, “Ok camera one I need a close up of the singer,no wait, Beyonce is dancing cam 2 can you get a shot, take it, oh wait cam 3 has a close up of P Diddy take 3, oh wait, we need to show the band, cam4 pan across the crowd” It went on and on like that the whole show. The only time the cameras were steady was when a presenter was on the stage. Flarfff, MTV, next time bring your own crew instead of hiring local yahoos from Telemundo 4.
Since the show was a whopping 4 hours….yes 4 hours, I am gonna just kick it bullet style with stuff that is noteworthy otherwise we will be here all day and I have an album coming out next week so I do need to work at one point.
On With the Show:
FASHION:
- JLo…Bitch please, who the fark do you think you are rocking that lame ass floppy hat again? You are a freaking kazillionaire, you should know better than to rock the same look twice. Also you look a little thicker around the middle, does Marc Anthony have you eating hella arroz con pollo? It looks like it.
- P. Diddy, ok dude, I get it your rich. Your hella rich and you have celebrity friends, but seriously Bruce Willis? Weren’t you all buddied up with Ashton like 5 minutes ago? Are you just waiting in line to hit Demi? I am so confused. Also, seriously the mohawk is not sexy. It was cool for the marathon or whatever but it is not ok to rock that on a day to day basis. Can we get his people a memo? Props tho for crashing the Black Eyed Peas, pre show interview. Nobody cares. Fluxblog refers to him as “Lookin like a high society Mr. T.” Well said.
- Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. Ironic t shirt at an award show? Not a good look. Surely you have a stylist, and if she picked that out then fire her. At least you wore pants tho…
- Jay Z. Damn. Can you do no wrong? Why are you so damn fresh all the time? You are the only one who properly worked the Carribbean whites. Your suit was the freshest ever, well except maybe for Big Boi. But seriously you are the baddest muther ever.
- Beyonce, props for repping the Dallas style in a major way - daisy dukes, big blond hair and plenty of gold lame. I don’t thing I have ever seen bigger hair on a black woman since Diana Ross. But your shit takes that cake cause it was blonde, blonde,blonde…rock on wit your bad self.
- Alicia Keys. Finally I understand why you wear braids all the time, you have the worst hair ever. So, so frizzy. Get it braided again and keep it that way.
Nice D & G dress though, it’s good to see you not so ghetto fabulous. You could have hooked up a bra of some sort during your performance tho… - Mary Coke Head and Snatchly Olsen looked ugggs in their respective potato sacks. I guess that is one way to avoid comments on your stickly bodies.
- Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. Loose the pastels. Just stop. No more pink. No more Polo gear. Please.
- Lil Kim. Man. What happened? You realize you have a speech impediment now that your lips are so freaking huge right? Also, Donatella Versace called and she wants her hair back.
- Gwen Stefani. You rule. Turquoise and Red best color combo ever.
- The rest of No Doubt. God bless you for keeping it real and getting wasted on the red carpet and then proceeding to drink through the rest of the show. Next time I see you Adrian you get the biggest hi five ever, jack and cokes on me.
EVERYTHING ELSE:
- Usher. In classic User style, he got near naked and writhed about on stage while it rained. Didn’t Ashanti let it rain last year? Man, MTV needs to step it up and not let artists play themselves out. Also, when there is that much water on the stage we all know you are not singing. That is a buzz kill.
- Hoobastank. Is it just me or can this guy not sing. Also is it just me or does he look like he totally has downs as in syndrome.
- Kanye. Ok whatever, you like Jesus, get over it. You also like, hoes, cars and money so I can’t really take the Jesus talk from you too. Chaka Khan was a nice touch but she looked a little confused as to what she should be doing on stage.
- Polyphonic Spree. Is it just me or is this group fucking creepy? I feel like in a year or so we are going to read a headline somewhere to the effect of “Members of pop choir found dead at hands of leader”
- Carson Daly. Is he still on MTV? Man he looks terrible.
- R. Kelly was robbed. Step in the Name of Love is the Ultimate R&B song and video. Sure he touched little girls but seriously, the man can write a song.
- Vivica A Fox. The new Rap video-hofessional? Yep, I think someone is having a mid 40s crisis. Either that or she needs to pay of the tits she bought last year and like any good ho she know a little ass shaking pays the bills. Why else would she play herself out by prancing around on stage with her ass hanging out during Lil John’s performance with Ying Yang Twins and Petey Pablo.
- Lenny Kravitz. Still fine as hell. Thank god you cut that lame perm off. Next time lose the wings bro.
- Britney. I guess she just couldn’t make it. I mean Sunday is the night she stays home eats cheetos and blows Federline.
- Props to Wayne from Flaming Lips for rocking the Bubble.
- Xtina and Nelly. DAAAAAAMN. That was like 6 minutes of pure hotness. She looked and sounded great. He looked and sounded great. Too bad they lifted the entire instrumental to SuperFly for the new song tho…But you know what I still really, really enjoyed it. It was the best performance.
- Alicia Keys, Lenny Kravitz and Stevie Wonder performed Higher Ground. Nice performance but seriously I am a little over Alicia as the darling of musical legends. So she can play the piano…too bad 80 percent of her songs include piano samples written by artists from like 30 years ago. Just because she plays them live doesn’t mean she wrote them.
- LL Cool J…we get you have an album coming out. I guess you need to pay for all that face work somehow. Now lose the models with TVs on their shirts.
- Dave Chapelle. God bless you.
- Gwenyth Paltrow holy mammers. Nice ones. Pregnancy pays off.
- Big Boi. As I mentioned earlier, looked fucking great. Clean ass suit. He makes Andre 3000 look like a crazy crack salesman. Nicely done.
December 13th, 2006 at 7:10 pm
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