Hater Tuesday

“Love and hate such a beautiful combination, Sending shivers make me quiver, Feel it sliver up and down my spine….how I love to hate you…….”

Oh Erasure…you are so brilliant, their lyrics have inspired me on so many levels. Anyhoo, I did not have time to write any long epics this week on things I hate, so I decided to live out a fantasy that I have been harboring for quite sometime now. The fantasy is having my own Play by Play fashion criticism show styled after what John Madden does with Monday Night Football. You know what I am talking about, Madden comments on the game using video stills of the game and a white “pencil” that he uses to circle and visually show the audience where the play went wrong. The idea is more or less the same except I would be set up on the streets of a major city shooting live and evaluation people live. So today’s entry is like a sneak peek at what I would do if I had this show. I hope you like it.

Bono went very wrong here on several levels. Let’s start at the top and work our way down. Skin, a sunburn is not sexy. I don’t care who you are. If he has a stylist he obviously did not consult him or her, if he did he would not be sporting double denim at an obviously upscale event (See Jay Z and Beyonce) Also what’s going on with that hat? I think he is attempting to cover a bald spot and some terribly fried split ends. With his kind of dough he should be able to spare a few bucks on some leave in conditioner. Finally, nice ponch guy.

The Afflecks. Casey, what the fuck is that on your face? It looks like he is in disguise, a bad disguise. Ben, just cause your brother has a bad stash, doesn’t mean it is okay to hit the red carpet sporting bush face. Also note the coke induced sweat beads on Ben’s forehead. Not a good look. The main place these two went wrong aside from the obvious facial hair, is the shoes. WTF is on your feet? It is the red carpet put on some damned proper shoes. Last but not least the yellow LIVE STRONG bracelet. If Lance was not porking Sheryl Crow no celeb would be caught dead with that yellow rubber band on. So Ben, lose it.

Look at this train wreck ladies and gentleman. I had to insert numbers here just to keep all the tragedy organized. Let’s break it down shall we?

1. “Chic Pea” T Shirt. Ironic t shirt at an event not cool. The worst part is it is not even a shirt it is a tube top. Also not only is Fergie not Chic I don’t need to be reminded that she is in the Black Eyed Peas, that is fucking obvious.
2. So I think she is trying to go for a retro meets rock look and basically that is lame. You can’t see her pants here but trust me when I say they are cropped and have a fuzzy poodle on one of the legs. My circle here is pointing to the weird leather wrist cuff and the studded belt. Why are these here? Stop trying to be creative now. Right now.
3. Why is this curl here? Paula Abdul called and she wants her ponytail back so they can keep spinning her “Rush, Rush” video on VHI Classics. Oh yeah and she wants her neck scarf back too.
4. What the fuck is happening with your face here? Why are you making this look? What camera are you looking at? Get it together. This face issue is a recurring problem for Fergie.
5. Will. I Am, you are over jushed or dgujing ( however the fuck you spell that term) those suit cuffs, lay off the Queer Eye tips guy. Your look is predictable and over calculated.
6. Again, seriously no need to pop the collar so prominently, a slight upturn of the collar would have been fine here. Although still would have been a little pretentious.
7. You are ugly and should work on not bringing attention to your face. Put those hands down. Also get a hair cut.
8. Are you seriously rocking Elvis glasses? I thought those went away in 99. Oh wait they did. Get some better shades.

Ok so here I have no issues with the clothes or the hair. She looks great, except for one little thing…I know the film is called the Brown Bunny, but you are taking the method acting a little far, no need to make bunny teeth a reality. Insert your favorite blow job joke here.

This is a fine example of how to dress appropriately. Damn Gwen is hot. Turquoise and Red, yes please. I guess that is why Louis Vuitton rocks so hard also real roses are a fucking amazing touch. Props to Adrian for realizing that booze can be an accessory.

Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, when will you learn that we can see your vagina in skirts that short? What the fuck is going on with those shoes, just because they are orange doesn’t mean they match. Nice stain by the way, try and avoid spilling Champers on yourself when you are going to be photographed. Also, what the fuck is up with that lonely braid? Are you trying to match your “moccasins” with your hair? Sister please. Finally, here is another shining example of bad photo face. No one may know who she is but at least Nikka Costa knows how to pose and can throw on some heels once in a while.

Kelis, your milkshake may bring the boys to the yard but those gold fronts are sending them right back where they came from. Also there may or may not be a fanny pack involved here.

Notice here how fine both these men are. Benicio my heart also beats for you…..

And lastly….

Sometimes underwear is good.But you are Prince so who am I to fault you?

Ah the VMA’s, the most useless award show ever. Yet, every year for the last oh 15 years I have wasted 3 hours of my life watching the members of the popular music community strut their stuff in the name of music. Why do I watch them if I know they are crap? Because, it is full of celeb fodder and gives me three hours+ of unadulterated hating.

I have yet to see a full report with comments on the VMA’s yet this morning so I am foregoing my morning routine at work in order to report on all the happenings.

This year the event was in Miami, durrr, so all the celebs showed up on excessive yachts and dressed in white.

The entire production was really, really bad. There were multiple missed audio cues, dead mics, house sound cutting in and out mid performance and the editing was horrid. The whole show looked as if it was being directed and shot entirely by an all ADD crew. Those handheld camera men could not frame a shot if their lives depended upon it. Even worse was the director’s inability to direct his shots in a manner that made sense. I could almost hear the chaos going on in the production room as the shots changed, “Ok camera one I need a close up of the singer,no wait, Beyonce is dancing cam 2 can you get a shot, take it, oh wait cam 3 has a close up of P Diddy take 3, oh wait, we need to show the band, cam4 pan across the crowd” It went on and on like that the whole show. The only time the cameras were steady was when a presenter was on the stage. Flarfff, MTV, next time bring your own crew instead of hiring local yahoos from Telemundo 4.

Since the show was a whopping 4 hours….yes 4 hours, I am gonna just kick it bullet style with stuff that is noteworthy otherwise we will be here all day and I have an album coming out next week so I do need to work at one point.

On With the Show:

FASHION:

• JLo…Bitch please, who the fark do you think you are rocking that lame ass floppy hat again? You are a freaking kazillionaire, you should know better than to rock the same look twice. Also you look a little thicker around the middle, does Marc Anthony have you eating hella arroz con pollo? It looks like it.
• P. Diddy, ok dude, I get it your rich. Your hella rich and you have celebrity friends, but seriously Bruce Willis? Weren’t you all buddied up with Ashton like 5 minutes ago? Are you just waiting in line to hit Demi? I am so confused. Also, seriously the mohawk is not sexy. It was cool for the marathon or whatever but it is not ok to rock that on a day to day basis. Can we get his people a memo? Props tho for crashing the Black Eyed Peas, pre show interview. Nobody cares. Fluxblog refers to him as “Lookin like a high society Mr. T.” Well said.
• Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. Ironic t shirt at an award show? Not a good look. Surely you have a stylist, and if she picked that out then fire her. At least you wore pants tho…
• Jay Z. Damn. Can you do no wrong? Why are you so damn fresh all the time? You are the only one who properly worked the Carribbean whites. Your suit was the freshest ever, well except maybe for Big Boi. But seriously you are the baddest muther ever.
• Beyonce, props for repping the Dallas style in a major way - daisy dukes, big blond hair and plenty of gold lame. I don’t thing I have ever seen bigger hair on a black woman since Diana Ross. But your shit takes that cake cause it was blonde, blonde,blonde…rock on wit your bad self.
• Alicia Keys. Finally I understand why you wear braids all the time, you have the worst hair ever. So, so frizzy. Get it braided again and keep it that way.
  Nice D & G dress though, it’s good to see you not so ghetto fabulous. You could have hooked up a bra of some sort during your performance tho…
• Mary Coke Head and Snatchly Olsen looked ugggs in their respective potato sacks. I guess that is one way to avoid comments on your stickly bodies.
• Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. Loose the pastels. Just stop. No more pink. No more Polo gear. Please.
• Lil Kim. Man. What happened? You realize you have a speech impediment now that your lips are so freaking huge right? Also, Donatella Versace called and she wants her hair back.
• Gwen Stefani. You rule. Turquoise and Red best color combo ever.
• The rest of No Doubt. God bless you for keeping it real and getting wasted on the red carpet and then proceeding to drink through the rest of the show. Next time I see you Adrian you get the biggest hi five ever, jack and cokes on me.

EVERYTHING ELSE:

• Usher. In classic User style, he got near naked and writhed about on stage while it rained. Didn’t Ashanti let it rain last year? Man, MTV needs to step it up and not let artists play themselves out. Also, when there is that much water on the stage we all know you are not singing. That is a buzz kill.
• Hoobastank. Is it just me or can this guy not sing. Also is it just me or does he look like he totally has downs as in syndrome.
• Kanye. Ok whatever, you like Jesus, get over it. You also like, hoes, cars and money so I can’t really take the Jesus talk from you too. Chaka Khan was a nice touch but she looked a little confused as to what she should be doing on stage.
• Polyphonic Spree. Is it just me or is this group fucking creepy? I feel like in a year or so we are going to read a headline somewhere to the effect of “Members of pop choir found dead at hands of leader”
• Carson Daly. Is he still on MTV? Man he looks terrible.
• R. Kelly was robbed. Step in the Name of Love is the Ultimate R&B song and video. Sure he touched little girls but seriously, the man can write a song.
• Vivica A Fox. The new Rap video-hofessional? Yep, I think someone is having a mid 40s crisis. Either that or she needs to pay of the tits she bought last year and like any good ho she know a little ass shaking pays the bills. Why else would she play herself out by prancing around on stage with her ass hanging out during Lil John’s performance with Ying Yang Twins and Petey Pablo.
• Lenny Kravitz. Still fine as hell. Thank god you cut that lame perm off. Next time lose the wings bro.
• Britney. I guess she just couldn’t make it. I mean Sunday is the night she stays home eats cheetos and blows Federline.
• Props to Wayne from Flaming Lips for rocking the Bubble.
• Xtina and Nelly. DAAAAAAMN. That was like 6 minutes of pure hotness. She looked and sounded great. He looked and sounded great. Too bad they lifted the entire instrumental to SuperFly for the new song tho…But you know what I still really, really enjoyed it. It was the best performance.
• Alicia Keys, Lenny Kravitz and Stevie Wonder performed Higher Ground. Nice performance but seriously I am a little over Alicia as the darling of musical legends. So she can play the piano…too bad 80 percent of her songs include piano samples written by artists from like 30 years ago. Just because she plays them live doesn’t mean she wrote them.
• LL Cool J…we get you have an album coming out. I guess you need to pay for all that face work somehow. Now lose the models with TVs on their shirts.
• Dave Chapelle. God bless you.
• Gwenyth Paltrow holy mammers. Nice ones. Pregnancy pays off.
• Big Boi. As I mentioned earlier, looked fucking great. Clean ass suit. He makes Andre 3000 look like a crazy crack salesman. Nicely done.

It was brought to my attention by that Stacy Ferguson aka Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas was on Kids Incorporated. This comment totally catalyzed this massive mental throw back to when I was about 7 or whatever. I used to totally watch that show and I hated that bitch then too. She was so annoying. No wonder I still hate her. It also made me remember about the group Wild Orchid, comprised of Stacy Ferguson, Renee
Sandstrom and Stephanie Ridel, who were all on Kids Inc. Wild Orchid was a mildly successful r&b trio that emerged during the whole boy band teeny bopper music era in the 90s. They were on Disney Channel a lot and basically sold records to little girls who’s moms didn’t want them listening to the more grown up and talented Destiny’s Child.

Ever since Fergie magically appeared in the “Where is the Love” video I have been wondering where the fuck she came from and how they found her. With my recent revelations, it occurs to me that the A & M / Interscope A & R man must have been scouring the pop scene for a singer who could pass as “ethnic”, had a good body and could sell the “urban female” image and generally sex up the otherwise unattractive Black Eyed Peas. Exit Stacy Ferguson, enter Fergie. My inner record label guy secretly adores this faceless A & R man for turning BEP into a major phenom that has been selling loads and loads of records. But my inner hip hop fan and hater really wants to punch that A & R man in the face because now I have to look at that hoo-ra on my damned TV ever fucking 5 minutes. Maybe I should scour the pee wee R & B ranks for a slightly ho-ish yet down to earth songstress to add to the Lifesavas roster? Then maybe we can sell like a bazillion copies and I can be rich for once. Or maybe not. I ain’t going out like no punk ass bitch.

In other news Beyonce has a fat ass. Obviously this goes without saying but seriously folks it is really a sight to be seen. I mean check it out;

Girl, come on you know that little hand is not coverin’ up all that!

I love that she still tries to rock a bikini that is obviously cut for a white girl with absolutely no ass at all.

It’s like her ass is in a serious fight with that bikini. I love it. I betcha Britney wished her ass looked like that. Too bad hers has hella cellulite.

But seriously folks, I love Beyonce. All comments about her ass are in support of it’s beauty. Besides, she is a cold pimp I mean who else gets Jay Z to fetch them bottles of water while they tan on the stern of his million dollar yacht docked in the South of France while wearing massive diamond and pearl chandiler earrings? No one but Beyonce. She is my new idol.