and now I present…

Comic-Con 2010

• Someone got stabbed in Hall H this year.  You can thank nerd rage for providing this little gem: ‎”The suspect was later seen being led away in handcuffs. He had on a blue ‘Harry Potter’ T-shirt.”

• “Comic-Con was AMAZING! Some asshole in a midevil knight costume let me treat him like a fucking  human pinata but instead of candy, it rained emasculation and indignity”

•  The album title Teflon Don makes a lot more sense now.  Mr. Rick “I’m A Boss” Ross was keeping it magnificent all over the line for the Walking Dead panel. He sniffiled, “But I’m a boss….” when the dude came out and told us no more were being let in.

• Poetry in motion

• My favorite overheard quote of the weekend: “You don’t happen to know where Thor’s hammer is by chance do you?”

• Other awesome quotes:

“Take THAT Tonya!”

“I’ve eaten more pretzels and nacho cheese dip than last year!”

“Dude…..that’s soooooo many Leias”

“Oh, what? Sorry I was just looking at Olivia Munn’s butt”

“Blessed Black Wings Bro!”

“I HAVE a girlfriend now….NO! Real Life, not Second Life!!!”

“I wouldn’t want a hug from that guy ever….I don’t care if it IS free”

• Favorite product: Shirtless Kirk Cologne. Set Phasers to Stunning

This was an actual meal I consumed. I’d like to say it tasted good. It did not. When it’s 3am, you’re alone drunk on Jameson in the hotel pantry you tend to make poor selections usually rooted in something misguided logic like….color. These are all packaged in orange and blue. Should taste good right? WRONG.  One of these items was shop lifted. I promised my brother I’d steal something. Are you happy now?

• Ballers only!

Someone fucked up and let me into a party on the rooftop at the Hard Rock Hotel for the movie The Expendables.  After my fourth free Jameson, I decided to brave the douchebaggery and head to the restroom. Whilst wading through a sea of rouched mini-dresses and Ed Hardy formal wear, I spied Daniel Dae Kim aka Jin from LOST. I freaked out for two seconds but stayed focused. I needed to pee and walking up to Jin at a party like this wasn’t a good look. I eye raped him for a few more seconds then went about my bathroom business.

Lucky for me and unlucky for Jin, we ended up exiting the bathroom at the same exact time. We made brief eye contact and then he proceeded to walk down the hall towards the party. Ol’ drunk vagina brain took over and instead of letting him walk away, I decided it would be a good idea/acceptable to grab both his shoulders from behind, lean in and slur into his ear “OH MY GAWD, I LOVE YOU!….On LOST….I love you, on Lost. You are so great….on LOST. I love you.” He was gracious not freaking out as a complete stranger squeezed the shit out of him and refused to let go all the while uncomfortably close talking spraying whiskey scented compliments directly into his ear/neck. He thanked me a few times while he wiggled out of my clutches. When he finally shook free one arm I realized out loud, “OH MY GOD, I’M TOUCHING YOU….I’m so, so, so, so, so, sorry.” He thanked me again, said “It’s OK. Have a good night” and then proceeded to walk away as fast as one person could without running.

This is how one should NOT to talk to a celebrity. I’m sure Jin is somewhere telling the same story “Dude, I got accosted by a drunken she-nerd at the Expendables party. I’m so fucking glad LOST is over. This Hawaii Five-O reboot is just what I need.”

**special thanks to the Hand of Loom for awesome pictures

Have you seen this new KFC commercial?

The scent of fried chicken is like no other….it the siren’s song that sings to you so sweetly you can’t help but long to sink your teeth into its tender embrace. A seasoned chicken eater can distinguish shitty fast food chicken from real good drained on a paper bag chicken from the scent alone.  Fried chicken should always be carefully transported. The bus is not really the best way to transport chicken. It’s fragrant as fuck and you can fuck up a perfectly good evening commute with one bucket of chicken. Maybe you’ve never ridden the 22 Fillmore or the 38 Geary but 7 out of 10 rides someone on that bus has a bag of Popeyes or KFC. The stench of KFC in combination with homeless rank and blunt smoke is next to impossible to erase from your nasal membranes. It’s bad enough to put you off fried chicken forever.

In what kind of world does a chicken tender from KFC make a bus commute a more sane place? It’s one thing to encourage people to eat KFC. It’s another thing to encourage them to transport it on the bus. It’s an entirely different thing to encourage eating on the bus and to encourage offering it to strangers? Seriously KFC, Who the fuck OFFERS a chicken tender to a stranger on the bus? If you aren’t five or certifiable crazy offering chicken tenders to strangers is just not a good look. Period. Who the fuck TAKES a chicken tender on the bus from a stranger?

This is some quality hatin’. I didn’t even know that San Jo was hosting baby hipsters. It’s always been home to bros. Bros are everywhere ESPECIALLY downtown. My hood is mostly gentrified white people with babies now. It used to be cholos and blue hairs. I miss the cholos. I have to drive all the way to the East Side to see them. Every once in a while some wayward cholos can be seen wandering about the Rose Garden but they are usually just there because they didn’t get the memo about their Prima’s cumple being moved out to that one park by Story and White.

I know this is like a week old but I still can’t stop laughing.

Lada Gaga can’t walk or dress for shit.

I’m sure someone has already animated this into a fucking awesome Gif….but that would require more Googling and frankly, I don’t have the time for that shit.

R.Kelly proves once again that he’s the mutherfucking KINGPIN of R&B.

R Kelly f. The-Dream, Tyrese and Robin Thicke, “Pregnant” MP3.

This man can write records like Pregnant, Sex Planet*,  The Zoo*, Trapped In The Closet Pts 1-12** , In The Kitchen and STILL get asked to write the World Cup anthem. I’ve been saying it since time began and made it into a shirt in 2006…and finally got to show him that shit in person in 2009. Mutherfuckers are finally listening (Thanks Aziz!)

R. Kelly Is Magic!!

I mean who else twitters Weird Al shit like this.

*These songs are on the same album btw….

**THERE ARE 15 MORE CHAPTERS OF TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET PEOPLE!! DON’T MAKE ME START AN ONLINE PETITION!

Unborn Baby Tweets: I thought expectant mother blogs were annoying. Evidently people are now tweeting for their unborn babies. Lance Armstrong’s wife is tweeting for unborn. Fucking creepy. So if you give a shit about what fruit is most comparable to the size of this Lance’s zygote peep it.

And now for the list — a peek into my mind….random shit I’ve scribbled to myself in my notebook:

• I roofied myself once
• “Don’t let the batch sit too long”
• I don’t like doing yoga. My body doesn’t bend that way. Don’t tell me to try Bikram….that shit smells like octopus farts and hippy sweat
• Puking makes you feel human again
• “Look at this fucking caucophany of rap nerds”

• A woman stopped me on Haight St last week and asked me for my shirt…

“Um, I’m sorta busy wearing it right now,” I said.

“BUT I CAN’T WEAR THIS BLUE….THIS IS A LESBIAN COLOR!!” she said outraged as she started ripping it off exposing her droopy dirty heroin tits.

• Here is a sampling of corporate metaphors I’ve overheard at work in the last two weeks:

1. We need to explore how to build a better mousetrap.
2. Let’s focus on harvesting the low hanging fruit
3. Lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater
4. We need to develop a strategy to really grow the pie
5. Our goal is to drive the cattle across the river
6. The train has left the station…
7. We’re not out of the woods yet
8. We can lead a horse to water, but we need to make sure he drinks….and keeps drinking.
9. Let’s get down to brass tacks