I’m back from my Tennessee vacation and adjusting to life that does not include glasses of Apple Pie Moonshine and seeing Dolly Parton three times a day.

Luckily I found this visual metaphor to help articulate my true feelings about being back at work every day.

So why do I like Tennessee so much? Because, it’s just so real. Irony doesn’t exist and people are too poor to be precious. For example, I saw this dude at the Dolly Homecoming Parade in downtown Pigeon Forge at stop light #4 (because that’s how they name streets there)

Someone needs to email this pic to Hitachi with a note that reads: Japanese Electronics Are No Joke. Dude wasn’t trying to make a statement about analog video. Dude was just trying to videotape Dolly in all her wonder riding down the street on a huge water themed float.

I mean come on – why WOULDN’T you want to have constant access to footage of this woman?

Sure Tennessee’s ideas on nutrition are archaic and unhealthy. They have three sizes of soda there all of which are waaay too much soda. Pictured below is a “child’s size” and a medium. The child’s size is 16oz. The medium is 32 oz. Aaaand it comes in Styrofoam.

But like everything where there is bad…there is also good.

Ahh Waffle House. If only we had a REAL Waffle House. This is not a place you go to experience culinary wonders. It’s a place you go between 1-5am to get a fast efficient meal to sop up the copious amounts of whiskey and moonshine you’ve poured into your gullet. And boy is it efficient. The waitresses here don’t have time for your drunk ass. You order, you eat and you get the fuck out. For $6, I got a breakfast sandwich, hash browns and a vat of Sprite all inside of 15 minutes. GENIUS!

I also found this in Tennessee

It’s country Jon Snow. Can you see the delight in my drunk eyes? I mean COME ON. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM.

I totally creeped him the fuck out when I asked to take a picture. He was like, “You REALLY like that show huh?” I nodded and then asked him to spoon me like Egret beyond the Wall. He laughed uncomfortably then slowly backed away from me like Davos when he saw Melisandre birth that black smoke baby.

Oh well.

I’m happy to be home in SF and I’m excited about the arrival of SUMMAH and all the fun that comes with. I’ll be doing some GREAT stand up shows so come out and laugh at me in real life.

We will be invading the Punch Line in SF once again on June 4.  I’ll be hosting some amazingly talented women including our headliner MARGA GOMEZ! Tickets are on sale now via Live Nation, Punch Line box office (415) 397-7573 & Goldstar. Use code word LADIES for special discount.

I will be opening for the nicest dude in comedy Jimmy Pardo at Rooster T Feathers in Sunnyvale June 7-9. Give the ladies at Rooster’s a call (408) 736-0921 or visit the website for tickets and showtimes.

I call this one the HO STOP! edition.

Erica Mena – Where Do I Go From Here?

Erica Mena really captures the essence of a painful breakup in this video for her single, Where Do I Go From Here?

You know the kind of breakup that’s so painful, when you come home to your hotel room apartment,  sit at the desk, plop down your fake Birkin bag, pour yourself a glass of Henny (that’s stored on your desk next to perfume and shit because that’s where you keep it) to relax but you can’t relax because you find a note from housekeeping your lover and you are so SHOCKED and so ANGRY so you walk sexily to the bathtub where you turn on the phallic faucet and climb into the tub with all your clothes including your janky denim leggings in an attempt to wash away the crippling pain of such a significant loss.

The sadness just overwhelms you, so you unbutton and restyle your blouse to expose your crazy huge fake tits so that the healing waters can cleanse you.
Then you finally take your pants and shirt off but you just unfasten your bra but keep it on and then splash around angrily in like three inches of water until you feel better?

But then you are like NO, NO…… IM STILL DIRTY so you strip down and stand in your see through shower butt ass naked holding your tits against the glass while you spin around and cry?

Yeah this is your video. She NAILED it. She’s the (auto-tuned) voice of a generation.

In addition to capturing the true essence of heartbreak, she also has a MESSAGE!  Call GLAAD because it turns out after all this time (the longest 5 mins in video history) it wasn’t a man who broke her heart it was some lady named Sal. Cause lesbians catch feelings too. And they also pay for executive produce your videos.

But the question remains, where should she go from here? I’m not sure where she SHOULD go but I can tell you where she SHOULDN’T go….the studio. Stay out that bitch.

Tahiry – Devil

When Tahiry isn’t complaining about Joe Budden on TV she’s at home writing songs about him like this one called “Devil.”

This bitch couldn’t find a melody in the dark even if it was written in glow in the dark ink and she had a flashlight but I give her props cause she’s brave enough to let her voice ride. She’s not auto-tuned into oblivion and she had the sense to add an actual vocalist on her hook.  With that said, this is a basic ass video and includes absolutely no jabs on Budden’s facial hair which seems like a lost opportunity for Tahiry. I just hope that dude in the final scene is her stylist cause whoever put those clothes on her needs to be burned. Quick.

ATTN:  EAST COAST RAPPERS when talking about women, please stop using the Bugatti metaphor it’s more played out than the Maryjane metaphor.

And of course we can’t continue without talking about Miss Lore’l….

Lore’l – I’m A Problem

A “problem” indeed, Lore’l. First and first mostly, who the fuck names themselves after a drug store make up brand? That ain’t hot ma. Should have went with something classier like NARS or Bobbi Brown or MakeUpForever. It’s hard to take her serious in that little spikey captain’s hat. She’s like a walking-talking-rapping Brat doll.  I’m trying to find Lore’l so I can sign her and take her on the Glitz Beauty Paegent circut. She’s got the outfits, the spikey hats and the “talent” portion all worked out. We have to work on her beauty walk but I think we could go places.

In Other News …

The homies Serg & Soft Money had me on Stay Hatin’ this past weekend. It was a blast as always. We chat about Fat Trel, Instagram, the painful truth about Bun B’s personal life and rap songs we enjoy. Serg & Soft Money also play a shit ton of new regional raps. Peep the episode via your favorite Podcast delivery service.

I’ll be at the San Jose Improv on April 7 and the San Francisco Punch Line April 9. For more info on these and other stand-up appearances click here.

SXSW blew through Austin harder than Superhead at the 2003 Source Awards. I didn’t get to witness the shit show but you KNOW I got eyes on them streets. This entire edition is dedicated to the marketing circle jerk that is SXSW…(yeah, I’m just mad I didn’t get to go).

Special Edition: SXSW Shit That I Don’t Like

All hate provided by one of our most qualified haters-at-large, HWSHBNBN (that’s pronounced, He Who Shall Hate But Not Be Named).

Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe

85 percent of the white girls at SXSW were sartorially down with HBO’s GIRLS. And if you had the slightest boner for Lena Dunham’s look, you were walking around with a perpetual hard-on. And if you find Lena just a little annoying, her Mini-Minions were fucking off-the-meter insufferable. They pack the sidewalks, wearing Ray-Bans, stupid hats, and sandals, complaining about their illnesses, neuroses, and boyfriends. If you’re stuck behind them in line for a showcase, you can feel your soul leaving your body.

Now, if you’re trying to emulate Lisa Lisa circa 1987, with the bicycle shorts and teased bangs (which I also saw), I wholeheartedly approve.

People = Shit

I know Hater Tuesday loves her some Dave Grohl so I dutifully showed up at his Sound City Players gig. Pat Smear must be kicking himself: “I was in the Germs but now I’m playing rhythm guitar for a bar band with Corey Taylor, Rick Springfield, and John Fogerty, what the hell did I do wrong?” And do we need to hear Corey Taylor singing Cheap Trick songs? Couldn’t Dave fly out Robin Zander?

Before his all-star band made a note I went hard at two yuppie pricks for berating a girl half their size for taking “their place” after they went and got beers. It takes a lot for me to get fired up but I called them out for bullying the girl. They claimed they were there for two hours, and I told them, “Tough sh*t. It’s YOUR bad you left. Last time I checked, you don’t have a ticket that says ‘Railing’.”
The traumatized girl stepped off, which left an uncomfortable silence that lasted the rest of the show. That’s fine with me. The moral here is to always speak up—it’s healthy and you’ll feel a lot better.

[PREACH BROTHER! People = Shit. For, real son. At the SCP show in Park City, I had a similar experience. I was up front, the person in front of me was holding onto the railing. Around 1.5hrs in some douchebag comes barreling through with these two tramps holding their drinks above their heads spilling all over everyone in their path like idiots. The lady behind me and I locked eyes almost instantly when we saw him coming right for us. We stood as wide as we could, linking arms so he couldn't get through. He body checked the lady behind us and tried to push through yelling at us calling us fat bitches.  I threw my entire body weight into him, body checked him and told him to grow a dick.  He called us cunts and tried to throw a drink at us and then finally the men around us were like "Hey dude...you're an asshole" then he took off in the other direction in just a shitty a way as he had entered. WTF?

Re: Corey Taylor - How else are Slipnot fans going to be exposed to Cheap Trick? And look how happy it makes Dave.

(Picture from Sound City Players first ever show at Park City Live in Park City, Utah & Video is from the same show and now lives in my personal spank bank)

Hitting the Skins

I had awesome chicharrones de pollo (a.k.a fried chicken skin) in Austin. How is this not on every menu in America? Any butcher shop has stockpiles of it.

[Cosign. Mark my words, it will surface on many places in SF by end of year]

Where Y’all From, Bro?

Austin is still not used to minorities. I get the same “approving” knowing-nod condescending looks walking around downtown Austin as I do when I’m in Santa Cruz (where this ALWAYS happens). At the Linsanity screening, some white guys sitting behind me were laughing to each other: “This is the most Asians I’ve ever seen at SXSW.” One dude dropped his phone down the seat next to me and I would have kicked it down the stairs if I was fast enough.

One of the best visions I saw that week was a Korean American redneck and it was beautiful—like seeing a rare bird in flight. Super tight MMA shirt, Wrangler boot cuts, and snakeskin boots. Pomade side part, with his white boy weed carrier dressed up in A/X. What conversations go on in that flatbed truck?

Hipster Rap Still Sucks

I saw Kitty Pryde. She was easily the worst, cringingly awful act I’ve seen in years, decades. How? Why?

[Don't even get me started. I'll just say this: I heard Chippy Nonstop just wore a baggy t. No pants. And one more thing...Someone needs to teach these bitches that slow talking or fast talking over a Fruity Loops/GarageBand/JackedSoundcloud/Reason/Whateverthefuckbasicassbeat does not a mutherfucking rap song make. G'ah]

White Boy Alert

Seeing Macklemore everywhere was a drag. In public. Peering on posters. In the newspaper. Macklemore? I want MackleLESS.

[You know that's right. GET SOME FAT TREL IN YO' LIFE!]

And that concludes the special guest hate. Thank you HWSHBNBN!

COMEDY SHIT I DO LIKE

I will be in Boston, THIS SATURDAY MARCH 23! I am performing in the Women in Comedy Festival at CLUB PASSIM, show is at 10pm. If you are a person I know that I haven’t seen in a while, this could be the place where we awkwardly reunite. If you are a complete stranger, this could be where you gaze at me from a far, soak in my genius and turn to your attractive single male friend and say, “You should be with someone like HER…wait you should be with HER.”

Too far? OK fine. Just think about it. Tickets are available online. Click Here dummy.

I’ll be back in California and at the San Jose Improv on March 31. If you wanna go and don’t like paying for things send me a DM, Facebook MSG, email, carrier pigeon or whatever form of communication you feel comfortable with and I will add you to the guest list until the promoter goes “Hey, WTF….I want some people to pay!”  Sound Good? Good.